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Messages - Admin

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1
Introductions / Re: Glad to be back!
« on: August 03, 2014, 01:10:09 PM »
We're trying!  Suggestions on how to improve the forum.  Ideas?

2
It's great to have you here.  We're re-working the forum but we it's good to see you.

Some people will argue that we are genetically geared toward poly.  Others will argue that we learn it from our environment.  I honestly don't know.  What I do know is that there are a lot of people who find out about poly later rather than sooner and end up having to unlearn a lot of pre-conceived notions. What does that have to do with you?

You are not alone.  Many people struggle to unlearn a life time of thought processes concerning relationships.  You are no different than many other people who are learning about poly now.  It is good that you could rationally and objectively evaluate the situation.  As you put it, you found out the issue was about a choice you made.  The nice thing about figuring that out about yourself is that it is something you can address.  That is good. 

When we first started poly, we struggled.  We had monogamous mindsets and tried so hard to apply it to our new poly life.  It was trial and error before we got to where we are today but we barely knew anyone and there were only a handful of sites on the new back then.  Now...well, I hope we can help you and support you like others did us.

3
Sorry!
We've been active on the Poly Living Facebook Group and less on this forum.  I hope we can still offer help.  Thanks.

Antony

4
News / Re: My new addition
« on: May 23, 2013, 09:07:07 PM »
Congratulations!!!!

I'm very excited and happy for you! 

Admin

5
Renovating / Re: Household recipes - cleaners etc
« on: April 29, 2013, 10:26:05 AM »
That's a neat idea.  I don't use liquid fabric softener but we use dryer sheets.  Making a reusable one from a wash cloth might save a lot of money.  I wonder what the cost difference is?  Any ideas?

6
Poly Communication / Being Honest With Ourselves
« on: April 25, 2013, 06:42:54 PM »
You hear a lot about communicating with your partners.  There is another aspect of communication that people should be aware of. 

Communicating with yourself.

I don't mean standing in the corner talking to yourself or wandering down the street talking to the air.  I mean being honest with your self about how you feel about poly and living a poly life.

Poly is not for everyone. 

There are those in the poly community that would have you believe that being poly is easy.  That anyone who is open minded and willing to try can be poly.  Some say that if you can't be poly, there's something wrong with you. 

Poly is not for everyone.  Some people are happy in life single.  Others have to be with someone.  Some want to be the one and only for someone.  Others can and want to love many people.  There are a few who don't know what they want.

Who are you?

It's important that we reflect on ourselves.  Be honest.  What do you want?  Where are you emotionally?  Mentally?  Is polyamory for you?  It can be scary embarking on a new poly relationship or discovering that your partner wants you to consider the idea of poly.  It can be even a little disconcerting to discover you want to be poly. 

No matter what you may feel it's important you are honest with yourself.  Self reflection is important.  Examine your motives.  Examine your feelings.  Know why you choose to act in the way you do.  Good or bad, honesty is the best policy with ourselves.  Knowing your own motivations can help you.

It can be painful.

It can be scary.

It can be exhilarating and freeing.

"To thine own self be true."  Being honest with yourself is a good first step finding happiness with in your life and relationships.

Be honest.

7
News / Website Update 4-25
« on: April 25, 2013, 11:57:47 AM »
Thanks for your patience.  We've updated the software, site navigation and look.  Now is content on the main site.  We are slowly adding articles on polyamory on a variety of topics.  We hope to have articles written by others soon in the guest article section. 

If you have other ideas to help make the site more user friendly or on content please let us know.  Contact us if you want to write a guest article.  You will be given full credit and can link back to your own blog or site.   

Admin

8
Poly Intimacy / Polyamory and Safe Sex
« on: April 23, 2013, 02:36:33 PM »
Whether you are monogamous or polyamorous, practicing safe sex is important.  When a person is monogamous, they usually have one partner at a time.  We tend to trust that our partners will not have sex with others outside the relationship.   This does make it easier when wanting to make sure that we don't get an STD.  Polyamory is slightly different.

In polyamory, there are multiple partners.  If you are in a closed relationship, then you may have the same assumptions that a monogamous person has.  You will believe that they will not give you an STD and you believe they don't have one when they came together with you.  Short of ignorance, cheating or someone lying, this is a safe assumption.

Those who choose to have an open polyamorous relationship must be more diligent about their safety.  When you have an open marriage or relationship, you can introduce multiple partners.  Again, we like to assume that all is well, but the reality is that not everyone may be as healthy as you.  Against all decency and common sense, some people won't tell their partners that they have an STD.  Some are victims themselves, ignorant they have been infected with anything and blindly passing it on.

Another aspect of safe sex is birth control.  Unless you and your partner(s) want children together, it is prudent to practice safe sex.   There are a lot of myths about pregnancy.  The long and short of it is that if you have sex, you run the risk of getting pregnant or getting your partner pregnant.   No method of contraceptive is 100% fool proof.

For some, polyamory allows them to have multiple sexual  relationships, some casual, some serious.  Don't throw common sense out the window.  Choose your partners carefully.  You are not only risking your own health or future but that of your partners.  They may not have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they will have sex with you.  If you get and STD, they will probably get one as well.   If a child is conceived, it can complicate things with your other partners.

If the unthinkable happens and you do become infected, don't let pride or shame keep you from doing the right thing.  See a doctor and get treated as soon possible.  Let any partners who may have been infected know so that they can get tested and treated if necessary.  This is the right thing to do.

Remember, polyamory isn't about sex.  It's about being in multiple loving relationships.  But a by-product of any relationship can include sex.  The more people you are romantically involved with, the more likely it is you will have multiple sex partners.  Be smart and be safe.

9
Jealousy and the Poly Mindset / Changing Our View of Relationships
« on: April 21, 2013, 05:29:04 PM »
I was reading an interesting article by Aaron Ben-Zev, Ph.D, a professor of Philosophy at the University of Haifa.  In it he states how "humans are capable of having sex and loving more than one person at the same time."  A question arises: how to deal with emotional dissonance? 

What is emotional dissonance?  It's when something we feel conflicts with what we believe about our self or when we lie about our emotions.  An example:  We believe that is it wrong to love two people but we fall in love with two people at the same time.  We feel conflicted.  We "know" what's right but it doesn't change the fact we fall in love with two people. 

Ben-Zev states that one way to cope with such dissonance is to change the way we think.  Change the way we think, we can change the way we feel.  Change the way we feel can get rid of the emotional dissonance. 

Honestly, in most modern societies, multiple love is frowned upon.  It's is considered at the least immoral.  We are taught that it is wrong to love multiple people and in some cases are ostracized when we do.  When we love two people we can be called cheaters.  And that hurts.

Alot.

But what if we change the way we think about things.  What if we could look at relationships in a new way. 

What if we believed it is okay to love more than two people?

This is not an easy endeavor.  When society can look down on you, when you friends and family may shun you or when you feel like what you are feeling is wrong...it is not easy.  But if you do, it's a different life.

Better? Worse? No...just different.  Being single...being married...it all depends on you.  It doesn't have to be better or worse...it just needs to make  you happy. 

Be happy. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200803/loving-two-people-the-same-time

10
The law and the News / Rush Limbaugh Weighs in on Polyamory
« on: April 21, 2013, 04:28:10 PM »
Going over the internet and saw this article.  What are your thoughts?

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2013/03/29/abc_s_wife_swap_mocks_tea_party_promotes_polyamory

11
News / Forum Update
« on: April 18, 2013, 10:52:54 AM »
We have changed the main page of the forum.  It allows us to put hot topics on the main page as well as letting members know of any new information.  The main forum can be accessed by the Forum link next to home or by clicking the link in the Poly Living News section.  We will also be updating the main sections of the forum as well.  We hope to clean it up and to make it easier for members to find info that they are looking for.  Don't forget to see the changes on the main page of Poly Living as well.  It is a work in progress.  Thank you for your patience.

12
News / Website Update
« on: April 17, 2013, 06:56:43 PM »
We are updating everything!  Social links are down to we update the software.The main site is being updated as well.  We are adding articles and such.  If you want to write a guest article... let us is know.  Bear with us.   Thanks.

13
Practical Poly Advice / Re: Don't Lie
« on: April 04, 2013, 10:17:16 AM »
I could totally understand and agree that a person can enter into the relationship with one set of expectations and then change.  The change can happen because they learn more about themselves or poly.  It can happen through just growth as an individual or because they thought they would feel one thing but realized (for what ever reason) it wasn't as bad (or maybe it was worse) than they originally thought.  This is understandable and we as people must be understanding of this.

Unfortunately, every thing I listed I have witnessed at one point or another in poly relationships where the individual was not changing but knew their mind before hand and deliberately lied regardless.  There is a difference between adamantly believing you do not want kids and then discovering you do and adamantly believing you do not want kids and telling your potential partners you do knowing you really don't.  One is growth and change...the other is an outright lie.  I've heard of the men and women who became part of a "V" because they only wanted to be with one partner and thought they could "win" over one of the partners and drive away the other.  I'm not talking about growth and change.  I'm talking about the outright lies.  It makes no sense why they would choose to lie though I can venture some guesses.  Over the years, I have seen people lie with the intention of driving away one partner.  I've seen them lie because they just want to be in that particular family or they wanted a person to join their particular family.  In one religious internet polygamy group, one woman was upset because the husband and wife lied about being okay with her going to college.  After she joined the family, the very next day, they made their religious views of a "woman's role" very clear and informed her that she would not be allowed to attend college.  She was expected to make babies (even though they said they did not want more children), cook and maintain the house.  Because of her religious views, she felt she was trapped in the marriage.  The group (believing divorce was a sin) told her she had no choice but to stay.  It later came out she left.

That wasn't growth and change.  They lied to that woman.  It makes no sense to do it except selfishness.  That's what I'm talking about here.  Deliberate lies in order to gain access to a family or to trick someone into joining your family.   Every lie listed I have seen if not once, then repeatedly in internet circles over the years.  My point is, whether your a man or woman, couple or poly practicing family, don't deliberately lie in order to gain access to a family or to trick someone into joining your family.

Then you have the "well intentioned lies".  The couple who has a wife who doesn't want to share a bed with the other wife but tells the husband she does because she wants to make him happy.  The husband who really doesn't want to be poly but says he does because he's scared he will lose his wife if he doesn't.  The woman who really wants children but tells the family she doesn't because she loves them and really wants to be with them and really thinks she can change their mind after she is a part of the family.  This again is growth and change...these are deliberate lies which can lead to heart ache.

People will grow, learn more and change.  This is normal.  We as individuals must recognize this and be patient with our partners, knowing they do not have malice.  But if when a person knows their mind and deliberately lies...this is not good.

Thank you Natja for pointing out how people can grow and change.  It is important that we are patient and not look at every change as a lie.  We must be honest and truly look at what is happening and not just jump to conclusions.

14
Practical Poly Advice / Re: Don't Lie
« on: March 21, 2013, 01:41:30 PM »
I second Natja!

15
You want to be poly but are new to the whole scene.  What do you need to know?  First, what is polyamory?  According to Websters Dictionary:

"The state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time."

Pretty simple.  If you are in more than one "OPEN" (everyone knows and agrees to it) relationship, whether your married or not, your polyamorous.  If everyone doesn't know and agree to it, it's cheating.  Remember the difference.

Let's start with the different kinds of poly combinations out there.  Which will fit you?

"V" (Married or Dating)
Triad (Married or Dating)
Quad (Married or Dating)
Group Marriage
Open Relationship (Married or Dating)
Swinging
Polygamy
Polyandry

Is there more?  Maybe.  Let me know and I'll update this list.  Otherwise we'll work from this list.

These types of relationships may be closed or open. 

Closed means that there may be multiple partners in the relationship and you are only allowed to be with those partners.  New partners may be added but your relationship is always with those partners only.  Example: Jane, Joe and John are in a closed dating relationship.  They can have sex, go on dates, ect. with each other but are not allowed to date anyone outside their group.  They have a friend named Jill who wants to date Joe.  He can be friends with Jill but can not have a romantic relationship with her.  If the group decides they want Jill as a partner and she accepts, then Jill will stop dating people outside the group and only date people withing the group.  Romantic relationships are closed to anyone outside the group.

Open relationships allows the people to have other partners outside the relationship.  Partners can be with each other and have other relationships that are outside the group or couple relationship.  People may set different guidelines on these relationships.  Example: Jane and Joe are in an open relationship.  They have agreed they can have other boyfriends and girlfriends as long as the other partner is aware before hand and gives consent.  They both start dating Jill.  Jill already has another boyfriend, John.  John also likes Joe and has a relationship with him.  This kind of poly web or poly-cule can interlink and extend in many different combinations and can include any number of people.  They can combine as long term or casual relationships. 

What are you looking for?

A long term partner in an open relationship.

A long term partner in a closed relationship.

A casual partner in an open relationship.

Short term partners for casual sex.

Or something else.  I know some people who have like fetish sex (bdsm or furries as an example) and their partner aren't willing or desire to take part in that aspect of their life.  They allow them to have other relationships so the other person can enjoy that aspect of their life. 

It's important you know what your looking for and discuss it with your partners.  Everyone should be on the same page.  You can avoid misunderstandings about what everyone wants and hopefully have a happy and healthy polyamorous relationship.

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