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Author Topic: First night anxieties  (Read 2048 times)

Offline Natja

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First night anxieties
« on: May 07, 2013, 12:56:32 PM »
Flavio and Catherine have been married for a few years and have two young children.  After much soul searching Flavio realises that he is Poly and starts a relationship with Juanita.  This relationship has been difficult for Catherine but she is slowly working on her own issues to help integrate Juanita into the family successfully, this includes moving closer to Juanita so that the transition would be smoother for her.

So far there have been no overnight stays and Juanita has not yet moved in with the family but Catherine has been quite anxious about intimacy issues and Flavio and Juanita are concerned with how Catherine will handle their first night together.  What are some of the tools Catherine can use to ease her anxiety that first night? What can Flavio and Juanita do to make things easier for her?

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Offline Deorccwen

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Re: First night anxieties
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2013, 10:07:05 AM »
I think Catherine should schedule a fun evening for herself that evening, to take her mind off things.  Perhaps go to the cinema with a friend, and then spend the night away.  If she plans to stay at home, she can read a good book, watch a film etc.  Something she enjoys that will occupy her mind - not craft or hand work, unless she is watching a film a the same time.  Listening to good, but soothing, music after she turns the light out might also help her not to fret while she's going to sleep, and, if Flavio and Juanita are in the same house, will muffle any noise they make.

Flavio and Juanita should make sure that Catherine does not feel in the way.  Glancing at the clock as bedtime approaches is an absolute no-no!  Flavio should make sure that he has taken care of all his household and child-care responsibilities before he goes to bed / leaves the house.  He might even do a bit more than usual - especially if Catherine will have sole child-care responsibilities while he is with Juanita - as this will make it easier for her to let go, since she will feel considered and cared-for.  He might leave a loving message on her pillow, for her to find when she goes to bed.  Anything that will help her to feel more secure, valued and loved, really.  If Flavio and Juanita will be in the house, unless the sound-proofing is excellent, they should make sure that they keep things fairly quiet.

There is also a responsibility on Catherine to make sure that Juanita doesn't feel in the way or unwelcome.  J is likely to feel some uneasiness about starting a relationship with someone else's husband, so Catherine should go out of her way to reassure her by being welcoming, while being honest about the fact that she is experiencing some anxiety on her own account.   
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Re: First night anxieties
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2013, 08:10:23 PM »
For almost a decade, Jadez and I still experienced anxieties when Antony spent time away from one of us to be with the other.  What often helped me was Antony making sure he hugged and kissed me before parting and making sure he took care of any parental duties or household duties he may have had.  Leaving me a love not also helped.

However, I often needed to otherwise occupy myself in order to keep my mind off of what was occurring between them.  I always used his time with Jadez as my special time with our children.  I would spend quality time with them watching movies, going out on mom and children dates, cuddling, or whatever they wanted to do.  I also used that time to write or to work on our former poly website before this one. 

Jadez did much of the same.  She used my time with Antony as her time with the children as well.  However, she worked nights, so often she was not around and did not have to go through him spending time with me as much as I had to when she was home. 

Another thing that helped was being honest with our partners about our anxieties.  We also found was to compromise sleeping situations, and that is how we all ended up sleeping together because Jadez could not sleep alone in the beginning and frankly, I had issues sleeping alone as well due to some deep-seated psychological issues at the time due to my ex.  So, we negotiated.  Of course, Antony still spent intimate times with us each individually, but just not all night long at that time.  It is what helped with us.
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