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Ethical Scenarios / Re: In the Middle of It AP
« Last post by Dreamgyrl360 on June 04, 2015, 10:38:06 AM »
OMG this was my EXACT situation in our first real attempt at this.  :o

I spoke to them both and told them I didn't know how this was going to work out. Because I didn't want to be the person the relationship hinged on. I wanted my HUSBAND to be the hinge. But they were hardly getting along, and I was getting along with him AND with her...
My husband chose to break it off with her because she didn't listen to him -- sometimes online she becomes a bit of a bully, and was harassing a couple where the wife is young and her husband is much older. My husband told her to leave them alone and SHE SAID SHE WOULD -- but she didn't. That was the last straw.  :(

Introductions / Re: Glad to be back!
« Last post by Admin on August 03, 2014, 01:10:09 PM »
We're trying!  Suggestions on how to improve the forum.  Ideas?
Introductions / Glad to be back!
« Last post by Jenne on July 25, 2014, 04:54:23 AM »
Glad to see that we may be firing things back up here!  :-)
Introductions / Re: Why Are You Here and What Do You Need From Poly Living
« Last post by Admin on July 22, 2014, 09:25:15 PM »
It's great to have you here.  We're re-working the forum but we it's good to see you.

Some people will argue that we are genetically geared toward poly.  Others will argue that we learn it from our environment.  I honestly don't know.  What I do know is that there are a lot of people who find out about poly later rather than sooner and end up having to unlearn a lot of pre-conceived notions. What does that have to do with you?

You are not alone.  Many people struggle to unlearn a life time of thought processes concerning relationships.  You are no different than many other people who are learning about poly now.  It is good that you could rationally and objectively evaluate the situation.  As you put it, you found out the issue was about a choice you made.  The nice thing about figuring that out about yourself is that it is something you can address.  That is good. 

When we first started poly, we struggled.  We had monogamous mindsets and tried so hard to apply it to our new poly life.  It was trial and error before we got to where we are today but we barely knew anyone and there were only a handful of sites on the new back then.  Now...well, I hope we can help you and support you like others did us.
I'm here because I need everything.  ;D

What I need most is a place with like minded people who can help me sort out all of the stuff spinning around in my head. My husband of over 13 years and I are brand new to poly. We've discussed it for years, ran through every scenario, feeling, what-if, etc we could possibly think of. It took us a long time to decide to do this because we wanted to make sure we truly wanted it and were ready to handle the inevitable bumps in the road. Talking about it and living it are two very different things. I'm finding myself struggling with some things I didn't think I would and feelings popping up that are taking me by surprise.

I adore my husband's gf. She is a one in a million find. I have absolutely nothing to feel negative about. Yet I find myself feeling exactly that at times. A good example would be from today. Work has been extremely hectic lately. I work a job which sometimes requires 24 hours away from home. I have 2 of those shifts this week plus two 8 hour shifts and meetings the other days of the week. So I'm going to be gone a lot starting tomorrow morning. I found myself feeling what I thought at first was jealous tonight that my husband's gf is coming over. But when I stopped to analyze those feelings it wasn't actually the gf coming over that was bothering me, it was my own choice to be away from home so much for work. It's not their fault so directing my feelings towards them was wrong.

Is this common? Am I just not cut out for this lifestyle even though it feels right in my heart?
Introductions / Re: Why Are You Here and What Do You Need From Poly Living
« Last post by Admin on July 21, 2014, 12:42:16 PM »
We've been active on the Poly Living Facebook Group and less on this forum.  I hope we can still offer help.  Thanks.

Introductions / Re: Why Are You Here and What Do You Need From Poly Living
« Last post by LES5LIE5 on April 19, 2014, 06:40:23 PM »
Hello all!

I am here to learn and grow myself as an individual and a partner to my boyfriend. He suggested having a polyamorous relationship; which was nothing I had ever considered trying. I started doing researching more into the idea. I realized I could not deny my boyfriend this without at least experiencing it first hand.

He would be the first to tell you that I love Love. I enjoy loving and being loved.

I would have to say I need dialogue from Poly Living. I want to know how you knew polyamorous living was for you. Tell me about your experiences; the ups and downs. Describe your relationship status. I am open to anything. How would you introduce polyamorous relationships to your friends, or a possible secondary, etc?

Thank you in advance!

Books or articles / What do women want?
« Last post by Deorccwen on September 29, 2013, 05:08:10 AM »
I read an interesting book recently: What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire by Daniel Bergner, and thought others on the forum might enjoy it, too.  It is what it says on the tin, which is to say, it is an overview of the scientific studies so far on the nature of female desire.  It's by no means as dry as it sounds, and I found it very interesting and readable.  There are lots of anecdotes to lighten the science and I found I read it very quickly and without feeling challenged.

One of the reasons I found it particularly interesting, I think, is because it demonstrates a biological basis for NRE, which is familiar to poly people everywhere.  It shows a scientific reason for caution before committing to a long-term relationship, and certainly before making any life-changes based upon a new relationship.  Another interesting part was how western culture works against the nature of female desire, resulting in a high proportion of women who believe they have a low libido, but whose libido is actually perfectly healthy and may even be higher than most men's, under other circumstances.

I'd be interested to know what others think of this book. 
Ethical Scenarios / Re: Veto Power
« Last post by Deorccwen on August 14, 2013, 09:00:08 AM »
I missed reading the 'well-being of the family' part and focussed only on the 'dangerous to the children' part.  I agree with Natja that 'well-being of the family' is very subjective, and so it would be much more difficult for everybody to agree on what threatened the 'well-being of the family'.  Certainly it is a phrase that is vague enough that it could be used by a controlling partner in order to control, rather than because there was any real problem. 

Again, I would think that the issue shouldn't be dealt with by imposing a veto, but in expressing one's concerns to partners clearly and then managing one's own response.  If I was deeply concerned about an issue and none of my partners thought it a problem, then I hope that I would try to see their point of view.  If, after thinking through their opinion, I still felt that something was deeply wrong and they did not, then I suppose I would need to think about whether I should still be in that relationship - at least, in that form - and whether my children should still be in that environment.  Just living separately might resolve the issue.  I can't see how veto power would help if the other people involved really couldn't see a problem with an issue that worried me that much, because it suggests very different basic ideals in the partners.  And, even if you could manage to enforce your will on that one occasion (and I don't think that enforcing one's will is ever a good way to approach a partner or build a relationship) then the relationship would naturally fall apart later over another issue, due to such divergent world-views in each partner. 
Ethical Scenarios / Re: Veto Power
« Last post by Natja on August 12, 2013, 10:27:36 AM »
What is everyone's thoughts on a partner using a veto power if another partner of their partner is being continuously dangerous to the children or the overall well-being of the family?

I don't know about 'well being of the family' since I am unsure there is an objective measure of mum did not have many boyfriends when I was growing up and I hated! Not until I was 19 and independent was I happy(ish) with my mother's choice of partner. (I really like him now and we get on like a house on fire.) My point being could my vitriolic hatred of him be considered unwell?  I think so, I might have made a case for my mother disregarding our well being by patching up with a man we did not like because we did not want any changes to our lives....let's me honest, our little angels can actually be manipulative beasts when they want to be and we know our parents love us enough to make sacrifices for us.  We take any risks as a parent (of teens especially) at our peril and as a parent being near tortured right now by such action, I do not take that lightly.

And as the mother of a newborn too, I am suffering with that protective paranoia if anyone so much as looks at the baby sideways.  If anyone puts either of my kids in danger they will incur my continuing wrath forever and had I a partner who did not see that as a problem, than they would no longer be my partner.

I can't control anyone, I can only control me and I don't like co-dependence.
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