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Author Topic: Poly lies and misconceptions...  (Read 7896 times)

Offline Natja

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Poly lies and misconceptions...
« on: August 15, 2012, 03:22:09 AM »
Hello all,

Thought I would post a new topic to get some activity started again.
Please post, I am pretty sure, you will all have something to say on this topic....you can elaborate on my lie and then post your own....see if we can get some sort of chain going.

Ok, I will start....

1) If it is the right person, everything will be easy.....
Наталья

Offline Deorccwen

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2012, 06:38:23 AM »
...they will fit into your family seamlessly, as though they have always been there.  If there are any difficulties, that means they were never the 'right person' and they should be dropped as soon as possible.

2) A person joining a couple should understand that they have to follow the rules formulated by that couple before they ever met that single person.  They are good rules, they work for the couple, so why wouldn't the single person fall into line?
For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life.
William Blake (1757 - 1827)

Offline DeeDee

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2012, 11:39:20 AM »
1) If it is the right person, everything will be easy.....is like saying if you like to learn, taking college classes should be easy. Every person is unique, so there are inevitably going to be differences and challenges that arrive. And of course, there is the unforeseen--like health issues, loss of job and so forth that can throw a wrench into any relationship.

Every relationship takes work. there is a difference between comfort and ease.  For example, my relationship with Bud is both comforting and comfortable. We are at ease with one another--but that does not mean by any stretch that it is easy. It takes a steadfast commitment to respect one another's feelings, to communicate, and be willing to weather the tough times as well as the good times.

2) A person joining a couple should understand that they have to follow the rules formulated by that couple before they ever met that single person.  They are good rules, they work for the couple, so why wouldn't the single person fall into line?   The rules for the couple do not necessarily translate into rules that will work for three: Some rules may need to be changed; others may need to be abolished; new rules may need to be made. Think of it as starting from scratch--this is a new relationship you are forming. Just as the couple came to an understanding about the do's and don'ts of their relationship, so, two, must the trouple. Everyone's feelings must be considered for the equation to work. It is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole--it just doesn't fit. By adjusting the rules (the round hole) to conform with everyone's needs (the square peg), there will be a better fit all around.

My turn!

3) Hubby and I have a few bumps in our marriage right now, but I know we will be happier if we add another partner. I will have someone to talk to, and he will have someone to have sex with when I just don't feel like having sex. It will solve all our problems!

Offline Bud

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2012, 03:17:24 PM »
"Hubby and I have a few bumps in our relationship...adding a new partner will solve all our problems."  If anything, adding a new partner during rough times will only add more problems, not solve them!  It's no different than a couple thinking that having a baby will solve their marital problems...it will just add more stress and likely compound the current problems, along with possibly creating new problems.

Being poly is easier than being monogamous because you have more partners to share all of the burdens.....


Offline TamBabs

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2012, 07:49:47 AM »
Being poly is easier than being monogamous because you have more partners to share all of the burdens.....

ofcourse, more partners means that there are MORE burdens.

Finding a sisterwife / brotherhusband is going to be easy for us!

Offline Administrator

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2012, 01:53:33 PM »
Great idea Natja!

4. Since we've been poly and successful for many years, we can add another partner and be just as successful.

5. We can always try poly out for a while and see if we like it. If not, we can always just end it.

6. If I let my partner have another partner, he/she will love me more.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Administrator

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2012, 01:56:58 PM »
7. Poly only works if everyone lives together.

8. Poly only works if everyone has their own home.

9. There is only one true form of poly.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Natja

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2012, 09:09:15 AM »
Hello Stead, wow, this has given me something to think about, luckily I have been in a writing mood today!!


4. Since we've been poly and successful for many years, we can add another partner and be just as successful.

Well, an existing Poly dynamic needs is as much set in its ways as an existing mono dynamic.  It is just like that idea that some couples who start seeking assume that because they have a very good relationship and communicate well with each other, than Poly will be easy for them.  Poly relationships also set in to defined patterns of communication and therefore adding any new person in will disrupt the existing dynamic.

5. We can always try poly out for a while and see if we like it. If not, we can always just end it.


Firstly we really must be clear with definitions, there are quite a few forms of Poly and there have been instances where people have opened their relationship and then later closed it with mutual agreement and no one else being harmed. This is, of course more likely to occur with people who have a more casual approach to Poly.  However, if we are particularly referring to a long term Poly relationship than of course a couple cannot just say ‘sorry bored now, you have to leave’.  But of course, let’s be honest. People ‘have’ done that and single women have been caught in the trap of couple fronting privilege. 
No one should go into the idea of long term Poly-fi configurations with such a blasé attitude towards the other people involved, I have trouble even disposing of a more casual relationship in such a callous manner, however as long as people are being up front with it all being new to them and they are not exactly sure of how Poly will work for them I can not see anything inherently wrong in the statement itself.

6. If I let my partner have another partner, he/she will love me more

This doesn’t even make sense to me, each love should be independent and based upon feelings towards that particular person, not what liberties they ‘allow’ you.  I do feel this is a bit of an extension of monogamous possessive thinking.
I would be interested in what others think.

7. Poly only works if everyone lives together.
8. Poly only works if everyone has their own home.
9. There is only one true form of poly.


It is a very bad idea when people get very fixed notions of what the ‘proper’ way of doing things is, regardless of what works for the people involved.  I know it is easy to do, I myself DO have ideals of communal living which drew me to Poly in the first place and yet, communal living with my partners did not work for me.  Does that mean a relationship is over just because I choose to live apart?  No, relationships are not one sided, everyone has to be happy and enriched within and without the relationships they have.  If someone is feeling unhappy and depressed within one environment, it is actually more loving to see if a change of environment can help that person.  Sticking to only one form of what is allowable or only the right kind of Poly is extremely detrimental to a happy and healthy Poly life.

Natja
Наталья

Offline Administrator

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2012, 08:38:36 PM »
Natja,

I totally concur!  These were all things I've heard people say or saw them write. 

I will be honest here too.  At one point, I think I felt that since we had been poly for so long and successful that we could bring in others to the relationship as well and be successfull too.  However, like you said, a long standing relationship whether poly or mono has certain dynamics that can make it difficult for others they may love.  I found this to be true and rather sobering.

I hope others will continue adding other poly myths as well.

Thanks
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Admin

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2013, 06:23:20 PM »
Here's some:

10. Anyone can be poly.

11. Poly means no jealousy.

Offline Deorccwen

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2013, 06:29:12 AM »
11a.  If you feel jealous in a poly relationship, it's because you are Unevolved and Bad At Poly.  Even if it is your first ever poly relationship.

12. For a woman, having a sisterwife means you will never be lonely again, because, being a woman, she will like all the same things you do, and you will spend all your time together doing fun stuff and helping each other out. 
For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life.
William Blake (1757 - 1827)

Offline Administrator

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2013, 08:03:32 PM »
10. Sure Antony, any one CAN BE poly, but it doesn't mean they should or that they can handle it either.

11. Poly doesn't mean NO jealousy! It means you learn to live with it!  LOL! Or you learn to communicate with your partners your feelings, and hopefully, they help you discover why your are feeling jealous.  Once you learn why, hopefully, they can help you find ways to overcome this particular incident of jealousy.

11a.  "If you feel jealous in a poly relationship, it's because you are Unevolved and Bad At Poly.  Even if it is your first ever poly relationship." Nope...maybe...just maybe...YOU are NOT getting your needs met!  Or maybe, your partners are spending more time with each other than with you. 

12."For a woman, having a sisterwife means you will never be lonely again, because, being a woman, she will like all the same things you do, and you will spend all your time together doing fun stuff and helping each other out." Actually, not really.  Jadez and I are two different human beings, and we rarely like the same things. She and I also have different work schedules and rarely see one another.  Even if we had a lot of time together, she and I are almost extreme opposites, so we do not have a lot of similar likes.  I love her though.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Administrator

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Re: Poly lies and misconceptions...
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2013, 08:09:22 PM »
Continuing the common poly lies and misconceptions....

13. Poly people are extremely promiscuous and unsafe.

14.  If I let my partner have another partner, it will ensure he/she will stay with me.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

 


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