PolyLiving- Discussing Polyamory and the Poly Life

Brutal Realities => Ethical Scenarios => Topic started by: Admin on April 01, 2012, 04:44:41 PM

Title: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Admin on April 01, 2012, 04:44:41 PM
Every relationship is separate, even in polyamorous relationships. The relationship and dynamic that the first wife has with her husband is different and separate from that of his boyfriend/girlfriend/co-husband/plural wife.  Even when couples form a triad or quad, there is still the individual relationship that one person has with another.

Do you think it is okay for a husband to lie to his wife if he is protecting the confidence of another wife or girlfriend (or even other partner)?

For example, let's say that the husband took the first wife out to a romantic spot on the lake in the woods. Years later, he takes his wife or girlfriend out to this same spot and makes love to her there. The second partner asks that the night and moment they shared stay between them, and the husband says "okay". If the first wife asks, "Have you taken so-and-so there", should he say "NO" and lie to his wife?

This is a very sensitive subject and I have talked to married poly women, potentials and husbands on this matter.

In a poly relationship, you have to look at how a husband or wife treats you and situations. Let's say the first wife came to the second wife and said, "I was talking with hubs, and he said this about his feelings and that he wants this or that". What if the first wife makes a habit of talking about private conversations she has with her husband. Do you think that the second wife will feel that the first will keep her confidence if ever needed?

Here is another scenario:

A first wife has a unique sexual relationship with her husband. When the second wife enters the marriage and starts having intimacy issues with the husband, she recommends spicing things up in the bedroom and goes through a list of things to do with him. When she asks him if he has done this or that (not necessarily with another wife--just anyone or anytime in general), he answers no, even though on most of them, he has done them with the first wife. He knows his first wife wanted this kept between them so he lies to his other wife about his experience to protect her confidence.

In my opinion, sometimes in any relationship, lying is a cruel necessity, whether that relationship is an intimate one or not. Keeping confidence of your partners creates trust and love. When they are ready to open up to the other partners and let them know about what was kept confidence, that should be their business.

I know that some people do not follow this philosophy, and make all information and happenings of information of each relationship available at the ready for every other partner in the marriage; however, airing out private matters can make people feel like "dog meat", as one 3rd wife put it when I talked to her days ago on this subject.

Write in everyone! Let's get some perspective going.

By RubyRoses
Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Natja on April 04, 2012, 07:46:55 AM
Are you not putting in the responses to this one? They were some really insightful responses to this post.

Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Admin on April 04, 2012, 04:11:47 PM
We will eventually but we were trying to get conversational starter post out first. There were over 2000 threads not including replies...it's a lot to shift through but we'll get there. In the meantime feel free to continue the thread again.
Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Natja on April 04, 2012, 04:15:53 PM
Oh ok.  cool.....

Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Jennelynn on April 10, 2012, 01:30:18 PM
I like the question here.  I would not tell a bold face lie.  If a partner asks me something I'm going to answer honestly even if I am concerned it may hurt their feelings.  I fear if I answered dishonestly and the truth came out later it would hurt more. 

With that said, if for example, A. talks to me about a problem she is having with R., I am not going to run to R. and tell him.  She will tell him in her own time.  If I talk to R. about something with A., I expect that he not say anything (unless directly asked).  I will say something in my own time.  Sometimes it is easier to talk to the "other" partner to gain perspective, or just to air something.  I feel that way when I talk to the partner my issue pertains to, I'm talking to that partner with having good thought behind the conversation.  I think there is a difference between keeping confidence and lying. 

A. and R's happiness is essential to my own.  With that mindset I feel that when asked about something that maybe sensitive I am able to respond with their best interests in mind.  Luckily we all feel that we rather hear the truth than be lied to so I'm sure that helps. 
Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: TamBabs on April 15, 2012, 10:48:28 AM
I'm seeing this from another perspective, perhaps. In scenario one... the 2nd wife wants the moment to be kept between them. The first wife wasn't asking for details, just whether or not hubs had brought her there. It's a location. I would have preferred Hubs to say yes. If she then pursues for details, say that it's between 2nd and himself... just as she would not want him to tell the 2nd about their time at the same place.

Where the 1st wife keeps going to the 2nd and discussing confidences she's had with hubby... the 2nd wife should say that perhaps this should not be shared. If she needs to address this, then maybe they should discuss things between all 3 of them. She (2nd) can also remind her (1st) that she would not want HER (1st) confidences discussed between hubby and 2nd. And no... I would not be confiding in her until I was sure she was able to keep it to herself.

In the other scenario, unless the hubby has only ever been with the first wife, he also should have been honest. He does not need to say who he had those experiences with. If the 2nd wife questions him about who he did have them with... he can gently but firmly say that who he had those experiences with, is not important on whether or not they will be experiencing them together.

There should not be 'secrets' kept between each other. Secrets are bad and not meant to be shared. They're hurtful. Surprises are only temporary and are meant to bring delight at a later time (like a present or a trip). Personal moments are that and should not be shared with anyone else, anyways. It's not a secret, it's just no one else's business. The whole... don't kiss and tell idea. 1st and hubs should discuss what can and can not be shared with 2nd... long before she joins the family. What is to remain special just between them. 1st also needs to remember that there will be moments like that, that she will NOT be a part of, either.

Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Natja on April 15, 2012, 01:56:51 PM
I really respect the way the fundamentalist Mormons do things with regard to intimacy, don't ask and don't tell....It is not only disrespectful to enquire about the sexual intimacy between another dyad, it is also self protecting because, let's be honest, who really wants to know?  The only reason someone would ask that is the same reason someone would institute a 'only with me' clause, and that is just insecurity.
The important thing isn't to keep secrets (unacceptable) but to challenge the unreasonable behaviour in the first place.

Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: TamBabs on April 17, 2012, 10:02:40 AM
Well said Nat! :)... wanting a like button such as on Facebook! lol
Title: Re: Lying Vs. Keeping Confidence AP
Post by: Natja on April 17, 2012, 03:34:43 PM
Thanks Tam  :)