PolyLiving- Discussing Polyamory and the Poly Life
Brutal Realities => Ethical Scenarios => Topic started by: Administrator on June 11, 2013, 09:33:47 PM
Husband, John, and wife, Jane, have relationships with other people. Jane has a boyfriend named David, and John has a girlfriend named Sarah. John and Jane have met each others other partners. John and Jane go out on dates at least once a week with their boy/girl friend. At least once a week, John will spend the night at Sarah's place, and Jane will also spend the night a David's once a week as well. Sometimes, John will have Sarah come over to his and Jane's house to spend some time, and sometimes, Jane will have David come over and visit with her.
Recently. John told his wife Jane that he does not like David, and does not want him coming over to their house. However, he keeps bringing his girlfriend Sarah over to their house. It really bothers Jane that John seems to have a double standard for himself because he can continue to bring his girlfriend over to their home, but he refuses to allow Jane to bring her boyfriend David into their home.
What should Jane do? How should she handle this situation? What advise do you have for Jane? What advise would you have for John?
Recently. John told his wife Jane that he does not like David,
'Does not like' is a reason a child would give, it doesn't tell Jane anything. Why? What has David done to offend John? One has to dig into the root of the cause of this feeling to discover how to proceed because if it is 'I don't like the way he insults and denigrates me in my home, by calling me names, ignoring me and being careless with my things' than you can understand it, if it is 'Seeing him here reminds me that you are having sex with a man other than myself' than that might be harder to work through.
However, he keeps bringing his girlfriend Sarah over to their house.
I don't think it is helpful to play tit for tat. Sarah has nothing to do with John and Jane's dynamic and should not be made to suffer for it. Instead of being resentful and creating a lose - lose situation. Jane needs to confront John about these attitudes to create a win win for everyone. Because if there IS a solid reason for John's dislike (as in the example) than it would benefit David to know that there is an issue so he can work on it, if he doesn't want to work on it and prefers to hurt John than Jane would need to know about it. However, if the root of John's issue is sexual jealousy, than that is something that John himself needs to confront and Jane needs to consider whether boundaries may need to be re-written to prevent vetoes being enforced on such a flimsy basis as 'I don't like them' especially in a long standing secondary relationship where this was not a previous rule.
Either way, communication needs to start happening.
Agreed Natja. Any other person willing to give any input?
Nope. Natja nailed it! :)