September 22, 2019, 04:53:15 AM

Author Topic: Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member  (Read 3627 times)

Offline Administrator

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 189
    • View Profile
    • Poly Living
Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member
« on: July 09, 2013, 12:48:05 PM »
This question is an ethical scenario posted by a member who wishes to stay anonymous.

When responding to this post, please remember that PolyLiving is here to help foster discussion and communication among its members. We do not want name calling, belittling or any other type of demeaning conversation. If you don't agree or you think something was done wrong, saying I do not agree and here are my reasons a, b, c is acceptable. Saying I do not agree with you because you are stupid or some other type of derogatory statement is not acceptable.

Here is the scenario:

Husband and existing wife have been together over a decade. They and their children have order, discipline and routine. The house is busy and productive.
Enter potential -- single, she and her children don't have any real routine, order or discipline.

Husband is concerned potential will bring the productivity of the house down. He discusses this with potential and potential insists she will not. There are some things about her that are not the best, in his mind -- she is larger than he'd like, doesn't seem to have many goals. He gives her tasks, as she will visit them for over a month with her children to see how they fit in.

The tasks are: lose weight, discipline your children, and help around the house and business where it is needed.

Fast forward to two-weeks in -- potential does help around the house -- but she has not tried to work out, and she doesn't WANT to discipline her children so there are disagreements a-plenty among all the children involved (the kids hit, snatch, lie, and are disrespectful to their mother).

He tries to talk to her about it, but she shuts down. She feels attacked, and so she doesn't hear what he's saying to her. He doesn't think she's a fit for their family.

What should happen/what should have happened? Potential wants to call it quits and just go home while husband wants to finish out the originally agreed upon time frame...

Any other constructive input?
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Natja

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 137
    • View Profile
    • A Polyglot
Re: Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2013, 01:05:40 AM »
I think she has the right idea, she should leave. Why continue with the agreed time frame?...
And why on earth does he insist that she 'change' for him, it sounds a tad controlling?  It's weird, it is often something women are accused of, they say when a man gets married they hope the women doesn't change and when a woman marries she hopes he does!!!

If this man goes into the courtship with a list of things she should change, I feel that he is probably more concerned with living polygamy than who he lives it with!  This courtship sounds rushed and has a 'this will do' feeling about it.  Personally I feel the original couple should probably stay monogamous because their lives do not allow for the dynamics of change well but whether he does or not, this particular pairing will not work.

Natja
Наталья

Offline Administrator

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 189
    • View Profile
    • Poly Living
Re: Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2013, 02:19:31 PM »
Thanks for your response Natja.  I agree that once any one wants to leave or feels that it is over, then it is over.  Any other responses?
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Deorccwen

  • Global Moderator
  • Jr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 73
    • View Profile
    • A PolyGlot
Re: Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2013, 09:14:20 AM »
I agree with Natja.  This sounds like a terrible situation.

If she wants to leave, then she should leave.  It seems to me unreasonable to require her to stay when she does not want to - and also, possibly illegal if she is being held against her will.

If the husband is not attracted to her as she is (e.g. weight requirements) then it is best if he does not pursue a relationship with her.  Even if she manages to get the weight off that he wants her to lose, there is no guarantee that she will be able to keep it off.  It is much easier to put on weight when you have been overweight than when you have never been overweight, and much more of a struggle to keep weight off than to never put it on in the first place.  As she gets older, and at stressful times in her life, it will be more difficult for her to keep the weight off, and to pressure her about it, or make her feel less desirable as she gets older would be cruel.  Love her as she is, or leave her alone.

Supposing that a real attraction exists between them and they choose to go ahead with getting married (this sounds like a polygamous situation rather than polyamorous, so I use 'married') - then the differences in domestic routines etc would suggest that it would be better for the 1st wife and 2nd wife to live in separate homes.  There are relationship stresses, and then there are living together stresses, and living together stresses can come to be mistaken for relationship stresses when people live together.  I think it's best to keep them separate and work on one at a time.

I think it is unreasonable to expect to have the input of a parent over another person's children unless that person has asked you to have that role in their lives and you are very well-known to the children and accepted by them.  In any case, it is certainly impolitic to strongly criticise how another person is raising their children unless you know them very well indeed (as in, have known them well for several years).  Making a suggestion may be acceptable, but assuming that you have the right to tell them how to raise their children is unreasonable.

It is worth remembering that this woman has lived her life independent of the man's influence and requirements up until now.  She is accustomed to being in control of her own life, her own home, her own children and her own destiny.  If she chooses to willingly give that up, then that's fine.  But to insist that she give up elements of autonomy that she is accustomed to seems unreasonable.  She is a whole human being with a history of her own, which needs to be taken into consideration.  Any changes should be negotiated, not demanded.  And negotiations should mean that there is give and take on both sides, with allowances made for each person's needs.

The children have reason to expect that their parent/s will be consistent in their approach, whether that approach is heavily disciplinarian or fairly lax.  It's unlikely that the children will respond well to sudden, heavy-handed discipline if they have been unaccustomed to it.  This, and their misery, would add to the burden of the woman who is already trying to adjust to a very different way of life.

Under the circumstances, when the man feels that she 'is not a fit for their family' and the woman just wants to go home, it seems pointless to insist upon her finishing out her time.  The experiment has been run, and it has brought definite results, just earlier than expected.  It has performed its purpose, and it is time to move on.
For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life.
William Blake (1757 - 1827)

Offline Administrator

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 189
    • View Profile
    • Poly Living
Re: Real Ethical Scenario Posed by a Member
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2013, 08:38:49 PM »
This is indeed a polygynous household.  I, too, feel that if she wants to leave, then she should.  If he is not attracted to her the way she currently looks, then he should not continue this trial basis.  I feel the trial has done its job, and they have already made a decision.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

 


Facebook Comments