August 14, 2018, 08:32:03 PM

Author Topic: Asking for what you need  (Read 2421 times)

Offline beccablue

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 24
    • View Profile
Asking for what you need
« on: June 18, 2012, 08:46:25 AM »
We all have things we want and need.

Emotionally, we have an obligation to ask and expect our partners to meet our needs. This might vary between partners sometimes but that is a topic for another time. At the core, we need to feel secure, loved, valued, etc.  For others the needs might extend into the sexual realm or involve certain experiences we need to avoid or any number of things. To clarify, a need is something that is imperative for our physical and emotional growth and well-being.

Many of us, especially among women who grew up in repressive religious families, might really have a hard time stating what we need from our partners and feel frustrated when those needs are not met. Well, they aren't mind readers after all (unless you partnered with a psychic but I'm guessing none of us did).

How can we prioritize what our needs are and learn to constructively ask (not demand!) our partners to help meet those needs? What should our response be if a partner cannot or will not meet those needs? Is it okay if one partner can fulfill a certain need and another cannot? Are we making sure *we* are listening to our partners expressions of need and doing our best to meet their needs as well? What about the needs of their other partners who we might not be intimately involved with?

We need to remember that we all have a value within our poly-sphere and a resonsibility to each other.  How are you making your poly-footprint matter?

~Becca

Offline Administrator

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 189
    • View Profile
    • Poly Living
Re: Asking for what you need
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2012, 08:36:26 PM »
Interesting thoughts and questions Becca.  I really hope others will join in on this conversation.

I firmly believe that we need to communicate our needs and wants to our partners.  I also feel that it is perfectly acceptable if one partner fills one need for us while another partner fills another need for us.

Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline Bud

  • Global Moderator
  • Newbie
  • *****
  • Posts: 44
    • View Profile
Re: Asking for what you need
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2012, 01:25:27 PM »
DeeDee & I communicate daily about our wants and needs.  I find it difficult to express myself verbally, for many reasons.  We usually do a "check in" when we get up in the morning and before/when we go to bed at night.  It seems like a good way to start and end our days together.

Though we are not currently in a poly relationship, we still practice positive communication skills with one another which include many forms: verbally, via email, phone when we are apart, and of course, physically. 

Right now I find it difficult to discuss "being" poly as we are not actively living in a poly relationship.  We do have 2 roommates and we talk one on one and as a group to make sure we all are on the same page.  We have had many discouraging events as of late, mostly unexpected financial burdens due to car repairs and medical bills...as many of you can relate to, I am sure.  So we make sure to touch base regularly on all aspects of living together as a group.  It just so happens we are living with one of my formers (I don't like the term "ex"), so in my mind we have some form of "poly-type" relationship going on, as it is just as important to communicate wants and needs with all those we live with, regardless the relationship.  Our other roommate is my best friend, so I think we have it pretty easy here compared to a real poly relationship and communication.

I do agree wholeheartedly with Stead on the matter of communicating wants and needs to/with partners and that it is ok for partners to fill different needs.

Good topic Becca, thanks for getting us thinking!

Best Wishes,

Bud

Offline Administrator

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 189
    • View Profile
    • Poly Living
Re: Asking for what you need
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2012, 10:55:01 PM »
A sticky situation forms when we expect our partner/s to fulfill all of our needs.  They are human and cannot personally fulfill every need we may have.  We need to realize this fact.

A problem also rises when we have expectation in which are not met.  Many times, people do not meet our expectations.  Why?  Is this because our partners do not love us?  No, I think its because they have a different set of expectations than we hold.  It is important that we communicate our expectations to our partners, and we also listen to their expectations for us as well.  Together, we should come up with expectations that we can all agree to.
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

 


Facebook Comments