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Author Topic: Erotic Compersion  (Read 9616 times)

Offline beccablue

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Erotic Compersion
« on: June 18, 2012, 09:11:40 AM »
Do you practice erotic compersion? That is to say, are you able to enjoy knowing your partner is intimate with another? Perhaps knowing they are in the next room at that moment engaged in sexual activity?

We hear a lot in the polygamous world about women being upset by this or jealous, but what about those of us (predominately in the polyamory world I guess) who are not bothered by it. From the beginning this has just never been an issue for me. In fact, and I doubt I am alone in this little nuance, I frequently felt rather turned on knowing my partner was being intimate with another. I know what my partner does to me and to know he is likely employing similar feelings in his paramour felt warm and fuzzy to me.

Isn't it human nature to be sexual? So, I guess I wonder who else never struggles with the sexual aspect and feels happiness when they know their partner is pleasing another? Why is this one often the hardest one for (women especially) some to let go of and feel upset by the emotional connectivity that is happening through our partners being intimate with their other partner(s)?

I feel more secure but I guess from what I've read in various online groups this is not the norm. How can you learn to practice erotic compersion and feel secure knowing he or she is building bonds with their partner in a way that does not threaten the same bond you already have with that partner? How can we help our partners learn to practice erotic compersion when we are spending intimate time with our other partner(s)?

~Becca

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2012, 08:50:06 PM »
Interesting, this is exactly what I was referring to in your response post to the Admin about compersion.  I happen to think this does occur, and I personally have felt an erotic tendency towards compersion myself.  Unlike you though, I did not feel this from the very beginning due to a variety of reasons.  I did not actually feel compersion until about six years ago and this was about seven years after we started our poly relationship.  Shortly after I started feeling compersion though, I started to feel erotic compersion as well. 

Any one else?
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Offline Natja

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2012, 03:49:57 AM »
Funny that this has come up but I was at  the Polyday [/url]http://www.polyday.org.uk/[/url]) event this weekend and I was quite surprised to see that whenever the term compersion (or Heaven forbid - frubble) was brought up it was hissed at.  Which certainly made me feel less like an unacceptable Poly leper than I do when discussing the issue online.  I liked a quote recently when someone claimed that for her compersion is the great feeling of relief that you are not eaten up with jealousy any more.  I liked that, it is something I can get behind. 
I can't say I have ever felt compersion but I do not deny that it exists for some, but I really despise the way compersion is pushed by some (not here, just in general) in the community that compersion is something you should feel and you are a bad poly for not feeling it or, even worse, that some are hardwired for compersion and they are the twue Poly's and the rest of us are just pathetic wannabees.

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Offline beccablue

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2012, 12:31:55 PM »
No, it's a hard thing for a lot of people. The few I know who have achieved it are in the polyamory world though. There's always bumps and bruises along the way though and while I have no problems with erotic compersion (and most of the time just relational compersion) there are times when I struggle with certain aspects of sharing (strangely for me this tends to be things like sharing a house space, that's my hot button). I've just noticed in a lot of online communities, mostly geared towards plig, that the number one issue women bring up is not liking knowing their partner is having sex with another. So, it got me wondering what is abnormal about me in that the issue not only doesn't bother me, but frequently leads to me feeling rather turned on. Eh, probably have spent far too much time on FetLife as it were. LOL

But, as "easy" as it is for me, it is just as "hard" for others and I'm wondering how can we help each other understand and learn to be more accepting. Some of the couples I know struggle so hard with that it sabotages every attempt at poly and they never seem to move past that one area (but of course still are looking for that unicorn.. sigh. eep) and lately I've been wondering WHY some of us adjust (some right away, some slowly over months or years) and why some never do.

To me, sexuality is just natural and frequently ends up being the physical expression of emotional connectivity but I'm guessing for those who struggle and never actually move past it, there is something more involved and I would definitely like to understand what that is and how to help them overcome at least enough to stop hurting themselves and said single ladies they keep battering.  :(

Just figured a poly board might offer more insight into it maybe...

~Becca

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2012, 02:20:06 PM »
Natja,

Glad to have your input: it is always valued here.

I neither believe that everyone who is poly will feel compersion, nor do I feel it should be expected for all to feel this way either.  I know it took me seven years just to start feeling compersion at all, and I did not feel it with all of Antony's partners either.  For me and this is me, I feel it when I know that Antony and Jadez are together because I love both of them, they both love me dearly, and we will and have gone through hell and back together because of anti-poly people, so I want them to be happy.  I think for me I feel it when Antony and Jadez are together because I know they both love me so much and have my back as I do them.  Does this make sense?

Any other ideas, thoughts, concerns, or questions in regards to erotic compersion?

Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

Offline beccablue

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2012, 03:30:06 PM »
That's a good point because there was one partner in particular spouse had who, while the sex didn't bother me per se, I didn't feel "happy" about it... but that partner was rude to me, rude to our children, and started arguments a lot! It's hard to feel any sort of love or satisfaction over a relationship that brings so much strife!

Hmmm... I need to think more about this. We have been exceptionally lucky for the most part I think in our relationships and it is possible that had more of them been problematic I might feel differently.  I know part of it to is how spouse reacts... for some reason when I know he geniuninely feels loved and supported by that other partner(s) that it makes it a lot easier for me to feel that way... but when there is conflict and he is clearly not happy in the relationship it definitely translates itself onto my emotions. 

It's hard to feel joyful at time spent with another when the other is being so damaging to your partner.  :(

~Becca

Offline Deorccwen

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2012, 04:42:29 PM »
Compersion, and erotic compersion, are great, and are emotions I've had right from my first poly relationship (in which I was a metamour).  I think  great deal of it had to do with the fact that I was in an amazingly stable relationship, with very frank and clear communication, and there was a strong sense of trust and security within that relationship.  Like Becca, I have also been fortunate in the relationships I've been involved in, in that I did not feel threatened in any way by my metamours, who made it clear that they had no intention of undermining my relationship with our mutual partner.  At the end of one relationship, when things were rather thorny between my partner and his ex-partner, I felt more exasperated and annoyed than compersive.  However, that was nothing to do with jealousy over sexual or emotional contact, but because the relationship was turning into a burden for all concerned. 

I also think I was less understanding than I should have been over the difficulties my metamour was experiencing.  This was her first poly relationship, and her first relationship that involved such deep communication, and I felt impatient over her lack of openness and over her jealousy.  Looking back, I should definitely have realised what a steep learning curve she was on, and been more compassionate.  While I was never snappy with her, I feel that my impatience affected my own emotional state negatively, particularly towards the end, and needlessly so.

I firmly believe that a sense of total security with your partners is a necessary pre-requisite for experiencing compersion, and that having a total sense of security with your metamours runs that a close second.  Anything your partners and metamours can do to help you feel cared for, valued and necessary in their lives will increase the liklihood of experiencing compersion.  Regularly feeling taken for granted, overlooked or 'in their way' will increase the liklihood of experiencing jealousy.  Having said that, we need to bear in mind as standard that our partners and metamours are not mind-readers, and we may need to tell them what we need to help us feel more secure (we need to take their needs into consideration as well, and not throw a wobbly if they can't give us exactly what we feel we need, but recognise and appreciate when they are honestly doing their best).

Another necessity is setting aside the cultural conditioning that insists that each of us can only love one person with all of their heart.  This can be difficult to overcome, but is necessary to establish the sense of personal security within our relationships that I believe is a pre-requisite for compersion.

I think it is unrealistic to expect compersion from someone in a new primary relationship, unless they are already in another long-term, happy, stable, primary relationship.  That person's emotional security is entirely tied up in an intense new relationship, with no safety net should they fall.  The fact is that the early stages of any relationship are bound to be less stable and more fraught with difficulties than the later stages, when you have adjusted to one another - any one of us only has to look back at the first couple of years of a primary relationship to recognise that - and when that is all you have, it is an emotionally unstable place, with no emotional support except from that same relationship.  This is not necessarily the case with a new secondary or FWB relationship, as the emotional stakes are less high.

Interesting topic!
For everything that lives is holy, life delights in life.
William Blake (1757 - 1827)

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Re: Erotic Compersion
« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2012, 09:15:32 PM »
Deorrcwen,

I agree that a sense of security with your partners and feeling secure with one's self increases the chance of feeling compersion. 

In the beginning of my relationship with Antony and Jadez, I just came from a previous turbulent relationship with an abusive ex, so I felt extremely insecure with myself.  Like many victims of abuse, I felt like something was internally and intrinsically wrong with me to cause my ex to hurt me so much.  I blamed myself, so this insecure feeling boiled over in to my new poly relationship with Antony and Jadez.  I definitely needed to learn to love myself and to feel secure about me and what I had to offer. Once, I was able to feel secure about myself, then and only then, I could start to feel secure in my relationship with Antony and Jadez.  Once I started to feel secure in myself and in my relationship with them and knew I was not expendable, then I started to slowly feel compersion for them especially since they clearly loved me.

For me though, if a metamour causes major issues with or pain for one or all of my metamours or even causes issues for and causes me pain especially with comparisons, I find it difficult to feel compersion for the person causing the issues or the pain.  I do not feel jealous when they are together, but I definitely do not feel compersion either.  I tend to go into protection mode for my metamour or myself.  Does any one else experience this? 

Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

 


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