November 19, 2018, 11:02:49 AM

Author Topic: Privacy  (Read 12798 times)

Offline Administrator

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Privacy
« on: November 10, 2012, 11:03:30 PM »
Here is the scenario:

There is a poly family of four partners, and they start a new relationship with a fifth partner.  They poly family really respects their privacy for obvious legal and employment issues, and the new fifth partner knew this before entering into the new relationship with them and even agreed to keeping it private as well.  About a year into the relationship, the other four partner finds out from other people that the fifth partner has been talking to other people (co-workers, friends, other family members, childrens' teachers, etc) about their poly relationship. The other four partners feel hurt, betrayed and scared.

If you were one of the four partners, how would you handle this situation?  What would be the best way to proceed?

If you were the fifth partner, why do you think this person would talk about such private matters to others? 


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Offline DeeDee

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2012, 12:41:54 AM »
It really is a breech of a contract, if you think about it. If everyone agrees that the relationship should not be spoke of in public, then all parties should honor it. For some, poly can be isolating. Sites like this can help by giving those in the poly world a place to safely ask questions and discuss the day to day aspects of poly.

A family pow-wow needs to happen right away, and they need to re-iterate that to protect the family, they need to not discuss the family dynamics with outsiders. Maybe even making a list of "safe" people to discuss family issues with would be helpful.

While everyone is an individual, the family unit always comes first.

Offline Administrator

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2012, 12:50:55 AM »
DeeDee,

This is a great response.  I hope others will respond as well.
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Offline Natja

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2012, 08:38:22 AM »
Oh sorry I missed this the other day. This is a difficult situation for me since I have my own issues with closeting and personally I do not feel it is a sustainable way to live without creating some unhealthy neurosis.

However, it is obviously a breech of the previous promise she made to then talk about it to all and sunder.  I think a good question to ask is, why did she feel the need to tell so many people?  Is she just one of those people who are incapable of keeping things quiet (and to be honest there are a lot of those types of people about, it is not necessarily malicious, it is just an aspect of their nature.  My BFF is a little like that actually, I still tell her stuff but with the knowledge that my counsel is only time limited! ;)
Or, is the pressure of the closet simply too much for her?  Perhaps she is used to having the freedom to talk about her family to everyone she meets, or may be she feels like she needs more external support for this whole change of lifestyle and she is naturally gravitating towards those who she has more day to day contact with?

It sounds pretty callous and mean, but I do feel, for the sake of the mental health of all concerned AND the fact that it is not the most ideal way to live, that people who need to be closeted, should avoid new relationships with those not raised within the Polygamist culture.

Natja
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Offline TamBabs

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2012, 12:12:49 PM »
The only reasons I could see for talking about it is, pride in her new family, or issues. Joy in the extended family, children's accomplishments or issues of jealousy etc... but if it was upfront to be quiet.. then talking could endanger that happiness. Perhaps this is a lesson to work out BEFORE adding spouses.

Offline Administrator

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2012, 07:56:20 PM »
Natja,

I agree staying closetted is not healthy.  However, some people realize, much like we did, after they've started their poly relationships that there is a need to keep it closetted for legal reasons.  Sad as this may be, it is a reality for many poly people with children.

Tam and Natja,

Thanks for your input.  I hope others will provide input as well.



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Offline Natja

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2012, 02:11:55 PM »
Of course, but that is not the scenario you put forward, I can totally understand a situation where people unexpectedly find themselves at risk after they have already entered Poly but to be fair in your scenario it was an already established Poly family who made privacy a condition with a new person. 
This is a situation I feel is perhaps a bit unwise because the nature of the closet is very oppressive.

Natja
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Offline Administrator

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2013, 08:29:13 PM »
I agree Natja.  Regardless in this situation the new person agreed to the privacy, but later, broke the original agreement.  What should happen in regards to this?

Any other input?
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Offline Natja

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2013, 05:57:30 AM »
I agree Natja.  Regardless in this situation the new person agreed to the privacy, but later, broke the original agreement.  What should happen in regards to this?

I don't know what people could do, it depends entirely on the people involved.  It may be that they realise through the situation that the privacy rule is perhaps overstated and not as necessary.  Or they can decide that the breaking of this rule is so destructive to them that they can no longer trust this person and chuck her out. 
Personally I feel it does take a certain type of person to maintain that level of secrecy indefinitely, so wrt to ALL the relationships, they will have to decide what kind of future they want to go forth with.
I am also definitely of the opinion that if something is not broke, there is no need to fix it.  When your situation forces you to live in a way that is not ideal for personal growth/self actualisation, than it is best to not bring more people into a restrictive lifestyle. 

But then I am not a woo-woo romantic type and do feel that people can, and should control their impulses. 

Natja
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Offline Jennelynn

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2013, 02:30:04 PM »
If I was one of the four people, there would be some trust issues between myself and the 5th person for sure.  Things I think I would need the answer to would be, is the 5th committed to the family?  If so why would she/he put the family at risk?  Why did she do it?  What was she needing from the social gossip?  Validation? Spotlight?  A poly relationship isn't really designed for spotlight people.  I would proceed with caution.  If the 5th isn't married to everyone else then I would consider in great depth the future with this person.  I hold the bonds of marriage, or hand-fasting, or any form of commitment pretty seriously so if that has been done, then I would need to work on forgiveness and she/he would need to work on keeping their mouth shut. 
 
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"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." -Muhammad Ali

Offline Administrator

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2013, 08:15:04 PM »
Thanks for the your input Jennelynn.  Interesting thoughts on the topic.  Any other takers?
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Offline Natja

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2013, 06:29:25 AM »
A poly relationship isn't really designed for spotlight people.

Hmmm, I think Deborah Anapol, Dossie Easton, The Zell-Ravenhearts and even Franklin Veaux might have something to say about that!!  ;)
Anyone who puts themselves out there to be open are asking for a bit of spotlight, this does not make them 'bad' Poly people, this just makes them open and willing to allow people into their lives and experiences to teach people about Poly, some of us might do it in a smaller sphere, we may blog or just be open on Facebook, some want to be open in real life. The thing is the closet doesn't suit everyone and this might be a bad match but that does not make it bad poly.

Natja
« Last Edit: April 04, 2013, 11:48:20 AM by Natja »
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Offline Administrator

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2013, 10:01:14 AM »
I believe being open would be better because it helps towards societal acceptance. Being honest and open also allows poly people to feel more at ease and allows them to experience more self love, respect and esteem.

Sigh. One day.
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Offline Natja

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Re: Privacy
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2013, 11:55:04 AM »
Ooops forgot to close the quote.... ;)

I think we are definitely seeing a change now, think about the great support the Browns get from ordinary people, as with everything, the more people are exposed to something the more likely they are to be tolerant.  But those of us with hostile family members (or ex family members) will always be more wary and vulnerable than those without.

Natja
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Re: Privacy
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2013, 05:22:36 PM »
Some of us also need to be concerned about our careers with "morality clauses."  A few of these include, but are not limited to, educators of children and medical professionals.
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