Sometimes You Can't Go Back

[Admin]

When a poly relationship ends, there can be many reasons.  Some may be good reasons.  Some may not be.  Regardless, when it happens, sometimes you can't go back.  You can't change it, you can't fix it.  It's over.

You must move on.

Don't go after your ex...don't be vindictive or petty.  You may think you were wronged.  They may think they were wronged.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that you move on.  The moment you start writing the nasty email, angry text, vindictive blog or just start bashing each other all over the internet, you start a cycle that can be very hard to break. 

You can tie your self to pain and negativity.  Don't do it.

Move on. 

Sometimes you can't go back.  You can only go forward.

[Deorccwen]

So, so true. 

I agree, and I would add to that: once you have broken up, stop reading your ex's blogs.  They may or may not be saying awful and untrue things about you (or at least misrepresenting you from a biased and angry point of view) but you don't need to know that.  Respect their privacy.  If they are misrepresenting you and you know about it, it will only make you miserable and retaliatory and you will continue that cycle, trying to lobby mutual friends to take your side. 

Trust that the people who know you both (even if only online) will be able to see that any terrible posts come from a place of anger and hurt, and will respect you for not turning it into a public slanging match.  If they can't see that - if they take your silence as an admission of guilt rather than maturity - then you have lost nothing in losing their good opinion of you. 

Do not complain about or criticise your ex to other people: it will make it more difficult to heal the hurts later, when you might be able to rescue a friendship from the ashes.  After all, you were attracted to one another once, for more reasons than just physical appearances and you have an intense history of good times as well as bad, so there is a good chance of building a strong friendship in the long term, if you can just avoid reacting in anger in the short term.

And, yes, absolutely: Move on.

[Natja]

   

You can tie your self to pain and negativity.  Don't do it.

*sigh*

Mono, Poly, doesn't matter break ups can be hellish when one person is strongly against it and the worst I have been through has been a mono marital break up and my bff is going through it right now, it is awful for her, but part of me wonders what sort of effect all that negativity causes her ex and my ex?  Does it rot you away inside and make you all bitter and twisted? Unable to move on from your pain and resentment?  I don't know, but I run in circles populated with quite a few divorced men of an age and their bitterness lingers through their smiles, it is sad 

Sadly nothing lasts forever, it helps if you try to think of every relationship, no matter how it ends, as a learning experience to see what you could have done better, even if you feel blameless, it takes two to tango and we could all have done better in all our interpersonal relationships.

Natja

[Deorccwen]

The eternal entry on the report card of life: Could Do Better.  Ah well, as long as it's always paired with Shows Improvement we're not doing too badly. 

You make good points, Natja.

[Administrator]

Great discussions and great points.  Deorccwen, I'd even remove myself from their Facebook, and let them have their place.  If they publicly vent, then they do, but that doesn't mean we have to.  I'd rather be mature and move on.

[Bud]

The eternal entry on the report card of life: Could Do Better.  Ah well, as long as it's always paired with Shows Improvement we're not doing too badly. 

Deorccwen,

What an extremely profound observation!  Makes me view many things in life in a much different (and brighter) light.  Thanks for the insight, as always.

Best Wishes,

Bud

[Deorccwen]

Thank you for the compliment, Bud!