Helpful hints for integration

[Natja]

A poly family of one man and two women have been together for a few months, but the wives are still uncomfortable with exploiting the benefits of the Poly lifestyle, for example, the SAHM feels a bit uncomfortable asking the Career wife to financially contribute and the career wife feels uncomfortable disciplining the children.
They are both in the habit of going to the husband when they want something from the other instead of communicating directly.

What tactics can be used to better help integrate the family?

Natja

[Administrator]

This is a fantastic question!  Thanks Natja. 

I hope others will help answer this one as well.

One of the tactics that helped us was to implement adult family meetings with the three of us.  At the meetings, each of us felt free to discuss our needs, wants or desires and of course any family business. Some times, we would have a previously written and planned agenda, and other times, we came to the meeting without a planned agenda.  I originally gleaned the idea from the Cosby Show because they held family meetings often. The meetings were definitely helpful for us.

However, together, we also planned out how we would handle our family.  We discussed how the children should be handled and disciplined, financial matters, routines, chores, education, rules, employment, etc.  Since we came up with plans, we had these plans as our tactics.  Also, anytime something new came up, we would meet again and devise a new plan.

In said situation though, the husband should encourage each of the wives to talk to each other.  If he needs to bring them together in the beginning like we did with our meetings to start the conversations between them rolling, then by all means he should.  However, he needs to also slowly pull away from being the mediator by bringing the two together and saying, "SAHM wants to talk to you about providing some finances for the children. Can the two of you please discuss this and let me know what you two decided?"  Then, he should leave the two alone to talk.

Just a few ideas.  I hope to hear from others on this topic as well.

 

[Natja]

Thanks for the post Stead, I have been thinking more about this sort of thing since I received a 'Family Constitution' from a single man who aspired to Poly, in it there were SO many rules and restrictions I thought the whole idea horrible and over thought (not only that, it was not created in unison with his family, he just wrote it himself.  It appeared to me to be over thinking fantasising  and turned me off.  However, I next heard about it from the Dargers who created one together and it seemed far more palatable, so I have come around to the idea, as long as it is done as a family, not a list of rules enforcing hierarchy, that I had first seen  written by the single man.

Natja

[Administrator]

I agree Natja.  A family constitution should be created by the family and not by one person or just a couple of people but by all partners.

When creating a constitution, the family members need to keep in mind that the family will grow, change and adapt.  With growth and changes, the family will need to be flexible and meet to renegotiate the constitution when necessary by making some amendments.  Problems will arise when individuals demand hard limits to the constitution and do not allow for amendments via renegotiation.

[Natja]

.  Problems will arise when individuals demand hard limits to the constitution and do not allow for amendments via renegotiation.

That was the great problem with this particular solitary writing endeavour, all rules and regulations under which the family will function was already stated, people would be added and given responsibility over the family based purely upon when they joined first the male and then the family.  So, he makes himself the president of the family, with his first wife (he is not yet married btw) as the Vice president, who has authority over all wives.  He doesn't appear to understand why women would not like it and insist that the women would 'demand' it if given a chance...mind you he is still single so obviously it is not just me...

It is strange though when people get it into their mind that they are entirely right but have no evidence or experience to base this on....anyway a little diversion 

Natja

[Administrator]

Natja, we are dealing with cognitive dissonance here, where he thinks what he believes is correct and is not willing to consider yet that he might be wrong even though his beliefs are being challenged.  Eventually, if he stays single for too long, he may begin to finally question whether his tactics and beliefs are actually correct or not.  He may be forced to change his beliefs if he does not want to remain alone. However, sadly, some women might actually take him up on it.
 

[beccablue]

A single person writing a family constitution? LOL. That's like a person who never had children trying to give parenting advice. *smack*  I assume his goal is to remain single?

~Becca.. who is a little amused.

[Natja]

Yeah, he is a little too enthusiastic!!