Monogamy and Poly

[Administrator]

Can a monogamous person and a polyamorous person have a successful relationship if the monogamous person stays monogamous while the polyamorous person stays in a relationship with them but still has a poly relationship with others?

What are your thoughts?

[Bud]

Yes, I think a monogamous person and a polyamorous person can have a sucessful relationship as you described it, Stead...afterall, anything is *possible*.  Having said that, I believe it would take some extrodinary people to have and maintain such a relationship over time. 

First, I would expect jealousy to be an issue at some time or another, as it can be in any relationship.  However, I think this unique pairing might make the jealousy scale more unbalanced than in other, more "equally yoked", relationships.  Not unlike an interacial relationship is in some societies, the mono/poly relationship would face unique hurdles and may feel more societal/familial pressures due to the perceived differences in the involved individuals. 

Pair the internal relationship obstacles facing the couple/partners, along with a much greater external pressure than most relationships might have, and I see a recipe for a great challenge facing the couple.  At this time, I am only considering the dynamics between the couple and their friends/family.  Add in the poly partners and this magnifies the obstacles. 

Other mountains to scale would be adding children to the mix.  Can only the couple have children together, or can the poly person and partner(s) also have children, or just the poly partners have children?  What are the parenting responsibilities of each partner in this relationship?  Of course I could go on with the "what if's" and "supposes", but there is no need for that.  My point is, though I do believe anything is possible, I also believe such a relationship would face very unique and pronounced challenges...more so than other *like-minded* relationships, where partners are of the same mind in more aspects of the relationship.

I think the key to help any relationship work and keep it strong, is honest communication between all partners, a constant focus on what the relationship goals are (and the wilingness to adjust those goals), plus a keen sense of reality.  No relationship is guarenteed to work, no matter how much we work at it.  Sometimes life blind sides us and knocks us off balance, out of focus, etc.  We can never consider all of the possibilities and cover all of the bases; life is too unpredictable.  A mindfullness of that fact actually may help in dealing with life's unexpected events.

Personally, I think mono relationships take a great deal of work, poly relationships take more work due to the fact there are the dynamics of multiple relationships going on and I feel, for myself, that a mono-poly relationship might take the most work of all.  Also, I think the the possiblity/probablity for succesful relationships lies with the individuals involved; their mind sets, their life experiences, their abilities to adapt and grow.  Even though I think the mono-poly relationship would be the hardest type of relationship for me personally, I think some individuals might just find it the easiest for them!  It takes all kinds of people to make this world go round; your question, Stead, gave me something new to consider.  Thanks!


Best Wishes,

Bud

[Administrator]

Bud,

Thank you for your input.  I love what you wrote.  I agree that this form of a relationship could work and that it would take extra work in most cases for it to work especially since the monogamy person might struggle with some jealousy issues. 

I thought some more about this scenario wondering if I knew any relationship were this was the case, and actually, yes I do.  Most polygamy marriages where the husband has several spice but the wives only have the husband are this form of poly/mono relationships.  This caused me to wonder if there were any polyamory relationships like this as well.

Any other thoughts on this subject?

Thanks

[Deorccwen]

I like Bud's points: they make a lot of sense to me.

I have read (on the internet) a gay man speaking of his mono/poly relationship, where he is mono and his partner is poly.  He says it works very well for them.

It seems to me that it would be easier for such a relationship to work if it was strictly a primary/secondary or primary/friend-with-benefits or primary/hook-ups relationship, with the mono partner being the primary in all cases.  This would be fine as long as the secondary, friends-with-benefits or hook-ups are happy with this, and there is absolute honesty all round about intentions and what can reasonably be expected of each relationship. 

There are people who prefer not to be a primary partner for various reasons, including work pressures or simply liking a lot of time alone, where the demands of a primary relationship would be too high.  However, these people are fairly few and far between.  The chances are high that a person who the poly partner fell in love with would want to be a co-primary partner, either immediately or as the relationship develops.  It can also be the case that somebody who starts out definitely wanting a secondary relationship can come to want and expect to be more primary in their partner's life, without realising that this would happen down the road.  Also, somebody who is very attracted to the poly partner may be prepared to agree to and take whatever they can get in the moment, overlooking or denying to themselves that it will not be enough for them in the long term.  This is not the fault of the primary couple, of course, but the broken heart will be just as broken, whoever it was who lacked judgement (and can't we all display terrible lack of judgement when in the throes of NRE?).

So while I think there is a very good chance of this relationship model working for the original primary couple, I have my doubts about how well it could work in the long term for any additional partners in this scenario.  The couple would have to be very, very clear about what was on offer.  But also open to negotiation later.  And they would have to recognise in advance that the situation might change.  The only really positive way I can see this working is with somebody/somebodies who really, truly, long-term do not want a primary relationship, or where the mono partner comes to deeply love their metamour in a fraternal way.       

[Administrator]

Interesting thoughts so far.  Thanks