MY APOLOGIES TO THE ORIGINAL AUTHORS. I did not cite them, when I saved these for my own personal use.
How do we set up ground rules? Sit down together and discuss what boundaries each of you have. These boundaries need to be added to your ground rules for fighting fair. Here is a sample list of ground rules we have when having a disagreement:
Here is the list of things NOT allowed:
1. no yelling
2. no name calling
3. no belittling the other person
4. no sarcasm
5. no arguing in front of the children
6. no hitting, pushing, or force of any kind
7. no walking out unless mutually agreed upon for a short period of time to calm down and re-coop
8. no ganging up on another person
9. no bossing another person
Here is the list of things allowed:
1. Use "I feel" statements
2. Use clarification statements
3. Hold hands and face each other while sitting down
4. Remember you love this person
5. Remember this person's feelings matter to you
6. Tell the person you love them even though you disagree
7. Communicate to come to a positive resolution that each person can agree with
8. The person not in the disagreement needs to either stay out of it or agrees to mediate if asked to help
9. An argument is a disagreement between people who love each other and want the other person to be happy. The desired outcome is not about who is right or being right. It is about loving each other and coming to an agreement that will make each person happy.
10. A disagreement needs to be resolved at all times.
11. Arguments are not meant to destroy: they are meant to build up and help us to all grow closer to each other.
With these ground rules, we tend to have mostly discussions that do not become violent EVER or that causes two people to gang up on a third party. Our disagreements mostly become discussions that work to benefit all parties because we love each other. Yes, each of us had to change the way we thought or acted, but it was well worth it.
How do we emphasize a point without yelling? Great question! There are several ways:
3. body language
5. facial expression
7. "I feel" statements
We now understand that these disagreements or ideas for positive change is more about helping each other to be better partners & people. Our way of making those changes is different...I'm reflecting not punishing. He's understanding that I don't have a mental list of all his faults and find him to be a wonderful, loving, helpful partner.
1. Use I feel statements instead of statements that attack and belittle others. Example: "I feel hurt because you said I was acting like a child. To me, this is a belittling statement."
2. Ask for clarification instead of making assumptions or jumping to conclusions about others. Example: "When you said
_____________, what did you mean?" Or you could say, "So what you are trying say is _______________________?"
3. Choose your words wisely.
4. Always remember that when communicating that you are speaking with another human being with feelings.
5. Always act in a way towards others that you would want them to treat you.
6. Never resort to name-calling or belittling.
7. Take the time to truly listen to and understand what the other person is trying to communicate.
8. Listen to others with empathy.
9. NEVER hit, push, or abuse the other person physically.
10. Never yell. Always use a polite calm voice when communicating.
When using an "I feel" statement, we should always have a stated emotion that follows instead of the word "that".
EXAMPLE: I feel frustrated because....
I feel angry because....
I feel hurt because...
I feel sad because...
I feel dismissed because
Let's practice using these.
I feel frustrated because you did not consider my feelings or thoughts on the subject.
I feel angry because you feel you can yell at me.
I feel hurt because you called me baby because I cried after you called me a name.
I feel sad because you did not feel like you could tell me the truth.
I feel dismissed and minimized because you laughed at me after I poured my heart out to you: your laughing made me feel you did not care about my feelings.
Originally posted by SteadFastLove