July 22, 2019, 03:27:08 PM

Author Topic: How do you handle it?  (Read 4794 times)

Offline SamV.

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How do you handle it?
« on: April 07, 2012, 04:27:28 PM »
I see this section but no post.  How do you handle it when a split happens?

Sam Vimes

Offline Natja

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2012, 06:14:35 AM »
Hey Sam,

I suppose it depends a lot on the dynamics of the family and the length of time invested in the relationship.  Just like monogamous relationships a family with children will have a vastly different divorce experience than a childless couple with few or zero assets.

Things I think unique to to Poly families could possibly be:
1) Lack of support if in the closet - most of us who have divorced mono have had plenty love, support and understanding from family and friends.  If your relationship was secret, you may not have the full wealth of support.

2) Broken hearted partner - It is quite a unique experience to try and support a heartbroken partner, we just don't have many tools for this, someone needs to write a book.

3) Difficulty with dividing up assets.  50/50 may not work well in these situations.  If you haven't got legal papers in place (unwise) and especially if you have children together things may be very, very bad and draw things out for a long time.

4) Children.........I cannot stress how insane it is to start having a family before things are stable, if you are afraid of the legality of your situation especially.  Some women who have left Poly families (or indeed any alternative family) can use social disapproval of these families to deny access to the children, this is such a terribly sad situation.

There are probably more, I hope others can elaborate. There were some great posts in this section so look out for it.

Natja
Наталья

Offline TamBabs

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2012, 06:49:13 AM »
Taken from several sources.

When a relationship ends, parents can feel angry, hurt and guilty. It is a very difficult time and it's important to take good care of yourself and your children. It can help to talk about what is happening to you with friends.

Children respond in different ways when their parents separate. For example, their reaction can depend on their age, how much conflict they saw and the type of relationship they have with each parent. For some children separation can come as a relief. Others may be angry, fearful and uncertain about what will happen next. Listen to your children and let them know you love them. Be honest about why you separated. Make it clear your issues are not their fault.

Remember that while your personal relationship has ended, your parenting relationship continues. Talk with your ex-partners about how your children will be cared for day-to-day. 

No matter how angry you are, take care not to take it out on, or through, your children

Some details are best not shared with children

Give children space and time to sort out their feelings and reassure them that it wasn't their fault

Encourage joint parenting

Keep Relations Between Parents and Children Positive: Your children didn't ask for the split. The unwanted change will be difficult for them, so it is important to work at keeping the relations between both parents and children loving, warm and civil.

Remember that the children have a social life. They have soccer, birthday parties and friends. It is important that their social life be as normal as possible. They are not the ones who are separating, you are. So let them maintain a normal social calendar.

Avoid Placing Blame: Don't beat yourself up about your loss because a sour relationship takes more than just you. You didn't cause all the problems and neither did your ex-spouse(s). After your split be gentle with yourself and recognize that you are unique and special. Don't let your own belittling thoughts bring down your self-esteem.

Try Not to Make Assumptions: It is easy to assume something will turn out a certain way -- but often life unfolds differently than we expect. Remain open to reality rather than closing yourself off based on your assumptions.

Don't Isolate Yourself: Especially during the holiday season, surround yourself with loving relations. Plan a potluck gathering and ask your guests to invite new people. Surround yourself with love and don't be afraid to ask for support from others if you need it.

NEVER put down the other parent. And do not allow older children or children from other relations to talk about that parent, spitefully, meanly, in front of younger ones. Do show respect towards your spouse in front of the children.

Make Forgiveness a Priority: If you are unable to forgive your ex(es) or yourself, moving on will be a struggle. An unforgiving heart is the biggest obstacle to letting go. Find true forgiveness and you will live a full and rich life.

Don't make promises to the children that you cannot keep especially extravagant ones.

Don't make your children feel like a "guest" in your new home.

Don't question the children regarding the activities of your (ex) spouse.

Don't refer to your visitation with your children "Your time" and base things around your schedule.

Don't rehash the things that have happened in the past, you can't change what has already ready happened

Don't use the children as messengers. This puts them right in the middle. Not only are you risking their love and affection you are also relying upon the child to get the message to your spouse correctly and in the manner you meant it.

Don't stop the children from seeing the other parent because he or she owes you money.

Do make sure that the children know they are not the reason for the split.

Do not blame "polygamy" for the relationship ending. This probably would have happened in a mono relationship as well.

Offline Admin

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2012, 02:12:11 PM »
Nice input so far! Tam are you a therapist?

Offline Bud

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2012, 08:25:30 PM »
If Tam isn't a therapist, I vote for her to be one!

Offline TamBabs

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2012, 10:06:42 PM »
Child and Youth Counsellor by education; caregiver of special needs is how I earn a living; digger (seeker) of knowledge is what I do in my (rare) spare time; I've been an authorized wildlife rehabber and caring is what I always do and who I am.  :)

Offline Admin

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2012, 10:09:28 PM »
Awesome Tam!

Offline Administrator

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Re: How do you handle it?
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2012, 04:00:58 PM »
Here's a new twist on this question.  How do you as an adult partner handle it emotionally?  How do you as a partner help your other partner who feels a great deal of pain from one of the other partners leaving? 
Reaching others with the polymindset more and more everyday!

 


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