Here are RED flags for families when speaking or courting with a potential:
1). When a potential acts like she's in a hurry to get married, this signals a red flag for families. These potentials come across as desperate. This desperation makes families uneasy, and they begin to question what the potential is hiding. I've spoken to many a family or potential where this was the case. One time, a potential, who'd only known a family for three weeks, discussed marriage with the hubby while on a date with him, and later, she told his wife that he proposed to her when in fact they only discussed its possibility for the future. At first, the wife felt greatly dismayed because she believed the potential, and she felt that her husband was making a huge decision without getting her input in the matter. Of course, the truth came out, and the relationship with the potential did not last.
2). When potentials refuse to speak or hang out with the wife/ves and only want to speak and hang with the hubby, families have huge reasons for concern because this type of potential cares only about being monogamous with the husband. A few years back, we knew a couple, who was courting a potential. The potential would only show up to events that she knew the wife would not be attending. When the potential came to visit at their house, she would only speak to the husband, or if she did speak with the wife, her speech was monosyllabic and demeaning. Whenever the husband would leave the room, she would act rudely towards the wife. On the other hand, when he was in the room, she would act all nice towards the wife. Eventually, this relationship with the potential ended as well.
3). If a potential lies about being exclusive with a family, but they are really talking and courting others, families hate this. If you are going to be talking and courting a few families, you need to be honest and upfront about this from the beginning. Do not let the families find out accidentally because it makes you look dishonest and makes it harder for you to find someone.
4). Families hate it when a potential lies about her wants, desires, and needs so that she can fit in with the family. Eventually, the lies will be made known because you will want, desire or need certain things, and issues will arise. A few years back, one potential wanted a family so badly (she wanted someone to take care of her and her children and was tired of being alone and a single mom) that she lied about most of her likes and dislikes, her wants, desires, and needs. Eventually, she grew so depressed because most of her wants, desires or needs were not met due to her lies, and she, finally, left this family all in shambles.
5). When issues arise, families have problems with potentials who cannot communicate rationally with each person. Many times, the husband is put in the middle between his wife and a potential because the potential does not want to communicate with the wife, so she asks the husband to do it for her. This should NOT be the case! The potential should go right to the wife and leave the husband out of it. I've known many families in which this occurred, and it never ends good.
6). If a potential confesses that she is currently in an abusive poly or mono relationship and needs out immediately by joining another poly family, red flags should go up immediately! Many times, these potentials are lying in order to guilt manipulate a family to marry them. Before these women (if they are telling the truth) even think about another relationship with ANYONE, they need to get out of their current bad relationship, and they need to seek out therapy.
7). Families have issues with potentials who try to change EVERYTHING especially when children are involved. I knew a potential who moved in with her family for a trial period of six months to see if they were a good fit. During this time, she started changing many rules and expectations for the children without even asking for the input of the parents. The children were beginning to resent the potential for her actions. She also insisted to her partners that specific other expectations or household rules get changed. She wanted to lower the children's bedtime, time on computer, and time with friends, but she wanted to raise the amount of chores the children did so that she would not have to do any. Needless to say, this relationship did not exist after the trial period of six months.
. Families hate it when potentials treat their children badly. I've seen this with step-parents as well as with potentials. Why in the world anyone would treat any child badly is beyond me, but I know it has something to do with insecurity. If you want to have a good relationship with your potential partners, you need to treat their children well.