Those of you who visit the 3 Coins chatroom know exactly who and what we are. We established our poly family 11 years ago. Our 'poly credentials' are quite plain Today we are four sisterwives with 12 children. We have contributed to two departments here at Sisterwives (http://pub53.ezboard.com/bsisterwives
) - homeschooling and poly humor. We are happy with out lifestyle and could not imagine - or want to - live any other way. While this is Sara at the keyboard, we are all here - Rae, Lynn, New Moon and even Cat (our Beloved Husband). We have repeated these 'mantras' in the 3 Coin's chatroom numberless times -but recent events noted here and elsewhere have compelled us to repeat them once more in the hope that perhaps we will provoke intelligent thinking and discussion. These are our some of own thoughts on "finding a sisterwife" and poly living in general. We base our comments on 11 years of successful poly living, a certain amount of counseling we do plus endless 'chats' with the widest variety of people in numbers of poly forums. If we sound harsh, we're sorry but reality often is harsh.
(1...Successful poly living is for the blessed few. Most men are not emotionally mature enough and most women are too territorial. The temptation for a immature poly husband to play "cock-of-the-walk" is just too tempting for most men. .Most women can't handle the idea of another woman 'in their space.' Poly living is serious - it is not about a bunch of kids playing house.
(2...The idea of each sisterwives having her 'own home' is the worst of all worlds. Rae puts it simply, 'That way, you have no husband and no sisterwife. What's the point? Aside from someone to call, you are still on your own. You can do that without being married!'
(3...The pressure from the outside society will increase especially after the Tom Green fiasco. This fool asked for it. He went on television talk shows and wrote foolish articles and just about dared the state to arrest him. He played into the hands of a publicity seeking television producers and a politician who for his own reasons was looking for an issue and Tom Green gave him one. Tom broke the number one rule about polygamy in most situations: Become invisible. The news media has yet to print "good news" about polygamy. It is a subject that sells more papers and television time when treated as an oddity of sex driven husbands and subjugated women. You alone cannot dispell this ignorance, so do not try.
Bigamy is illegal in all 50 states, and all territories and is also a Federal offense. Bear that in mind. Understand your situation. Start by reading carefully some of the excellent articles on this website. Polygamy is not well understood, especially by social workers and Child Protective Services staffs. We have known families who have had their children removed because they associated with polygamists!
A 'second wife' has no legal rights other than contracts. What must be done is to draw up a mutually binding civil contract. Check with a lawyer. We 'solved' the problem of legal favoritism our own way. None of us are legal wives. We may be married in the Eyes of the Good Lord and in our own eyes but not in the eyes of the State of Idaho. But remember, they convicted TomGreen because he was married to four of his wives by having had met the requirements to fullfil Utah's definition of 'common law marriages.' The definition of this concept varies from state to state. Check it out and do not rely in hearsay or what you may be told in a poly chatroom. Children can enormously complicate matters. Be advised. Note what we wrote about homeschooling. Don't let yourselves be open to charges of neglect; a charge beloved of female social workers who just love to nose around.
Sisterwives should not be afraid to ask how a potential family will take care of their needs if the husband passes on. Some families get a separate annuity or insurance policy for each wife to guarantee financial security. We have seen cases were a sister wife is literally out in the cold when the husband dies and everything is left to the legal wife who is not obligated to share and who may feel no compulsion to take care of her "sister". Contracts of marriage can include a clause for "separation payments' in case the family would decide on not continuing the relationship. Unless previously provided for, sisterwives have no right to alimony!
Why does an established family want a sisterwife? The family should have a clear answer to this question. Husband and wife need to be honest with yourselves and each other. Do you need help in the kitchen; hire a housekeeper. Do you want help with the kids; hire a baby sitter. Does the man of the house feel sexually deprived, let him be honest and - with the consent of his wife - visit a prostitute. (and take precautions). Does the woman of the house feel sexually neglected? Be honest. These are actual reasons we have heard from couples 'looking for a sisterwife.'
Rae got a lot of flak when she suggested to a potential sisterwife considering a family that she have a private detective check them out. And it goes both ways. Let the family have the potential sisterwife checked out. And it goes without saying - medical check ups. Oceans of tears can be avoided. Romantic? No it is not. But we are not talking romance. We are talking practical polygny. The woman should be prepared to provide the family references. She can simply say she is seeking a job in the child care business and get some people who know her well and that can vouch for her. If anyone is still reading. you are getting a free course a 'Poly 101'.
Let all involved try to understand what is involved. Face the jealousy issue squarely. What does poly living mean? Let's talk bottom line. Sex. Dear Lady, when you are alone at night in the bed and down the hall your husband with your new sisterwife and you toss and turn and wonder what is going on, what is going through your mind? Then you see them both in the morning coming out of the bedroom with silly expressions on their faces. Or suddenly you look and look again and there is ANOTHER woman on the other side of the bed and your husband - YOUR husband - is....How do you handle it? Give it some serious thought. Despite what some women seeking a sisterwife for their husband may tell you, Most women CAN'T handle it.
It is not infrequent for a woman to want to think she can face sharing her husband to please him, but when the reality of the sisterwife's arrival actually comes, the existing wife finds herself torn and is unable to live with her, so most often, the sister wife is sent home with broken dreams and dashed hopes. If you are a potential sisterwife, don't think this could not happen to you, THINK AGAIN!
It is a wonderful dream- finding "your" family, but that family who seeks you, needs to convince you they are both worthy of you and both really want you. This is best done through communication, not by sharing a bed! You are the only one who can prevent such a situation from happening with you! Please be careful!
The whole point of poly living in the feeling of sisterhood and love not only for your husband but for your sisterwife as well. If you look upon a sisterwife as a rival for your husband's attention, love and semen, then poly living is not for you. (This is in bold for a reason!)
We have plenty more to say but as Lynn says, 'You have to start somewhere.' We hope to provoke reactions and discussion. Let's all join together and talk straight. We will happily answer any questions.
Bina was a council to us in our early days of poly, but who is no longer in contact, has said many times 'Poly living is not for the fainthearted.' As in many other things, she is right.
But we will say this. Successful poly living? Nothing like it. We have a loving husband and the constant companionship of our sisterwives. But it's important to understand that the poly living is not for everyone and takes work by ALL concerned.
Thank you for your kind and considerate attention. This is a long letter and we probably have not checked it properly but the message is plain.
Cat, Sara, Rae, Lynn and New Moon of the Ponderosas.