Everyone Should Be Involved

[Admin]

At Poly Living, we focus on poly fidelity.  With that in mind, it is important that all spice be involved when dating a new partner.  Everyone should click, regardless of whether it was a "V", "Triad", "Quad" or other.  Whether they are involved with each other emotionally or sexually, they need to click as friends and that can't happen with only one person dating.

Thoughts?

Admin

[DeeDee]

Personally, I think it is important to build each individual relationship, as well as the group relationship.

There are sooooooooooo many forms of practicing poly out there, and I know I still haven't heard them all, nor can my mind possibly conceive each form. And it really depends on a person's definition of what poly is and isn't. I suppose it is possible for one man or one woman to have several wives/husbands who do not live under the same roof and never interact, but that doesn't really fit my personal definition of poly living.

The relationships in poly can be as rich if you are willing to cultivate them. My sisterwives K and S each live in separate abodes;  Bud and I are living with my MIL. We can't all be under one roof--but we have talked about it over the years. We complement each other; we share strengths in common, and we each have our unique strengths as well. I keep joking that "when I win the lotto, we will finally be able to live under one roof..." We have spent hundreds of evenings together, talking, sharing meals, laughing, crying, arguing, supporting. When asked, "who is my best friend?" My answer is always hubby first, followed closely by K and S. It is because we have forged an intimacy with each other that goes beyond common friendship--we are family.  We each have unique bonds with one another. We lean on each other and lift each other up. In fact, K has spent the night here the last two weekends, and often stays with S as well. There is comfort in our time together. When one is hurting, we all hurt. When one has a triumph, we all celebrate.

I don't think this would be possible if we didn't forge the individual relationships. Trust has to be established in each partnership. When we are all together, it is comfortable. We can safely blow off steam, and we can speak our minds without judgement. We never say anything behind each other's back that we wouldn't say to each other's face. That is how we roll.

It is funny, as I never really thought of us as poly until Bud commented on it. For me, poly meant living under the same roof in a committed relationship. It wasn't until after we had been on the Sisterwive's board that we realized we had forged a poly relationship with K and S long before we really knew what it was.

It would have taken a long, long time to bridge ES into the relationship with K and S. I don't think ES was really vested in a relationship beyond Bud and I. And while we all suffer health issues, ES's spiralled out of control quickly. And I am not sure that ES and K would have been able to forge the same kind of relationship as K, S and I have forged. I have to take blame as well, as when we talked about searching for a house big enough for all of us, I had huge reservations that really hurt ES's feelings. I honestly felt that having all five of us under one roof would have been disaterous for all parties involved, especially Bud. We will never know.

What does everyone else think about this subject?

~D

[Administrator]

Regardless of whether all partners live under one roof or if they live in separate homes, I feel it is still vital that each individual in the family has at least a friend type of relationship with one another.  We have seen time and time again poly families where a few or even just two of the partners do not even like each other: these type of families almost always lead to destruction, break-ups and/or a lot of hurt feelings with someone giving up who they are for someone else. 

Friendship remains vital for me. 

[Deorccwen]

I think friendship is highly desirable, but not always possible.  The ideal and expectation that our metamour must also be a best friend can sometimes put too much strain on the relationship between metamours who don't hit it off immediately, or who get along very well to start with (in the beginning of the NRE period) but then become impatient with one another for various reasons.  That, in turn puts a strain on their relationships with their partner, and may result in one or more of the relationships breaking down.  Friendship, like a romantic relationship, often builds slowly over the years, and I think it's possible to have exaggerated expectations of the metamour relationship, just as it is possible to have exaggerated expectations of a romantic relationship, especially at first. 

What I do think is absolutely indispensable in a metamour relationship is mutual respect and consideration.  We have to respect the other person's relationship with our mutual partner, and be prepared to take their needs into consideration.  That respect and consideration should eventually lead to deep trust and may even lead to a strong friendship between the most unlikely of people.