I’ve Been Monogamous My Whole Life…I Need A Poly Mindset Now

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Active Poly Minset

A poly mindset remains necessary for anyone who lives any form of poly relationship. Without a poly mindset, many issues will arise within our poly relationships due to a monogamous mindset or thinking. When a person in a poly relationship maintains a mono mindset, many emotional and other issues arise and may even cause the downfall or degeneration to all or some of the relationships.
When a person holds a mono mindset within a poly relationship, this person thinks and cares only about their own individual relationship with their partner. Many times, this mono mindset works to benefit one’s self at the expense of others within the relationship. Some would call this mono mindset selfish, but it is better to view it as a habit that we have cultured in a monogamous world. At times, a person with a mono mindset tries to guilt manipulate their partner to only focus on them rather than their other partners.

When we practice a poly mindset, we constantly remember that our partners have other partners, who they also love. We do not try to force our lovers to only and fully focus on us. Instead, we free them to love others. When practicing a poly mindset, we think and care about our paramour (partner) and all of their partners. We do NOT work to only benefit ourselves. We love our partners, so we care about all of their relationships. Wanting them to be happy, we do not work against them in their other relationships. Instead, we try to encourage and help them to have healthy loving relationships with each of their paramours, but not to the exclusion of ourselves.
Also, a poly mindset means that we work on our relationship with our partner’s partner, which is our metamour. This assumes we don’t have an intimate relationship with their partner. Regardless, we need to maintain healthy relationships, whether we are friends or lovers, with our partner’s partners. Our partner(s) needs to encourage and help us to maintain these relationships with them.

For example:
In a “V” type of relationship (with the male at the v and the two women at the arms) each woman needs to encourage their shared male to keep a healthy, loving relationship with the other female partner. Each female partner needs to maintain a healthy relationship with each other which the male at the pivot point of the “V” encourages and should even insists upon. Meanwhile, all three of them also need to continue growing a relationship of the three.

In a triad type of poly with a male and two bi-sexual females who also love one another, the male encourages each female to maintain a healthy, loving relationship with one another. Each female partner, in turn, urges the male to keep a healthy, loving relationship with the other female. Concurrently, the three of them continue building, maintaining and developing their triad.

Here is a breakdown of the relationships (Jack, Rachel and Sarah) that must be maintained in a poly relationship that practices a poly mindset:

• Jack and Sarah
• Rachel and Sarah
• Jack and Rachel
• Jack nurturing Rachel and Sarah’s relationship
• Rachel nurturing Jack and Sarah’s relationship
• Sarah nurturing Jack and Rachel’s relationship
• All three nurturing the group relationship as a whole.

Notice how no one tries to elevate their relationship above the others. Everyone is looking out for the other. This not only helps the individual relationships but helps to form stronger bonds and alleviate jealousy.

In any poly form, if any one relationship dyad struggles, falters or fails, it WILL affect the other dyads within that whole relationship dynamic. For instance, in the “V” above with the male at the pivot point of the “V”, if Jack has a bad or failing relationship with one of his female partners (Rachel), his relationship with the other female partner (Sarah) will be affected. Why? Jack may be hurting, angry or emotional. This can overflow into other parts of his life, such as his relationship with Sarah. She may hurt for him because of the pain he is going through because she loves him.

We must be aware of our partners, their relationships and what they are going through.  If you and your partners have a poly mindset, you will be having an “all for one and one for all attitude.”  Consider seeing how others experienced the poly mindset at the Poly Living Forum.

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