In fourteen years we have talked to a lot of people. There were all kinds of questions. Some asked about sex. Some asked about jealousy. Others just asked if we were crazy. But there was one question that we were asked over and over.
“How do I find a poly partner?”
On the original site forum, people asked this question (or variations of this question) many times. Even now, we still see this question on our Facebook page and in other groups. There is one answer we have gravitated toward over and over again.
Fall in love.
Rinse and repeat.
This is the simplistic answer. Let’s get into a little more detail.
She says no.
Boy meets another girl. Boy and girl become friends. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They begin dating. Girl decides he’s not the one. Girl dumps boy.
Boy meets another girl. Boy and girl become friends. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They begin dating. Things get serious. They decide to get married.
Are there exceptions to every rule? Of course. But the basic concept is fairly simple: people meet, become friends, fall in love. It’s the same thing in polyamory. Finding a poly partner follows a similar pattern. Meet people. Become friends. Fall in love.
It’s not easy. In fact, in can be pretty damn hard.
Let’s make something clear. I’m not saying that every friend you have or make should be for the sole purpose of finding partners. On the contrary, the more you can try to force a relationship, the more likely it will fail. If you view every friendship or chance meeting as another person to “date”, then you are missing the point here. Poly relationships should happen naturally. If you make friends and all you have become are friends, then you have positively added to your life another friend. It doesn’t have to be more than that and you shouldn’t try to force it to be more than that. Relationships are like clay. They may all have some basic characteristics, but they shift, change shape from person to person–yet they are still a “clay”, a relationship. The thing is, relationships are molded by the people involved, shifting and changing. It’s not just one person creating a relationship. In the poly relationship, there are more people involved, affecting not only the relationship but you.
“So, I’m supposed to meet people? Where do I meet them?”
That’s a hard one. Not everyone is poly minded. The real question is where do you meet poly minded people? The obvious answer is where poly people come together. There are many local poly communities. Find one near you and become involved. Maybe you can even start one. Facebook groups like Poly Living can have many people from all over the world. Check our groups page to find a local or online group that you can become a part of. Here’s some tips to keep in mind:
Learn about your online group. A lot of groups are meant to be a place to have fun, make friends and just be yourself. Many groups don’t like people “trolling” for partners. If you join a group and start posting dating ads, you may meet some resistance or even be removed.
Local groups can sometimes hold weekly or monthly get together. Local groups may have similar restrictions. They may not have an issue with people meeting and dating, but some will have issues if you join a group with the sole purpose of seeking a partner. Remember, don’t force your relationships. Make friends. If those friendships become more, great. If they don’t, then you have more poly minded friends.
Polyamory conventions are another great place to make friends. There are many happening throughout the year. Not only do you get to make friends, but you can also learn from many poly people.
Another place to meet people is dating sites. Dating sites have risen in popularity over the years and there have even been studies that show that relationships that started online can be very successful. There are several poly dating sites. The plus about dating sites is that everyone involved IS looking for a relationship.
No matter what you do, take your time and don’t rush it. Make friends and don’t force it. Let your relationships happen naturally. Some people take years to find one person they click with; don’t expect to find that “other” special person overnight.